Category: Journal Entry

Personal reflections inspired by prompts or life events. This is a digital journal you wander into, unfiltered and uncensored. Honest, trauma-dumping, and deeply personal moments captured in writing.

  • Remembering the Hormone Rollercoaster – My Second Spin:

    Remembering the Hormone Rollercoaster – My Second Spin:


    Best For:

    Transgender man & non-binary individual individuals interested in starting hormone replacement therapy, readers who enjoy non- fiction creative writing, lgbtq+ advocates, & individuals who are on the fence when it comes to the understanding transgender people’s lived experience.

    Blue haired Axton in 2016 close up with HRT needle and syringe between his teeth.
    Way back when.

    The Vault:

    • Returning to hormone replacement therapy after several years off HRT or inconsistent use & discovering just how much the body remembers, even when the mind forgets.
    • The unexpected realities of restarting testosterone, including intense itching, increased hunger, muscle changes, heightened sensitivity, & shifting body odor.
    • A firsthand look at the emotional side of hormone therapy, from mood swings & frustration to reconnecting with a familiar version of oneself.
    • The difference between remembering major transition milestones & experiencing the day-to-day physical changes all over again.
    • Honest reflections on the awkward, uncomfortable, & often humorous moments that come with hormone replacement therapy.
    • A personal account intended to serve as both a resource for others navigating testosterone therapy & a piece of creative nonfiction rooted in lived experience.

    Wish in One Hand:

    And I’ll save you the rest of the cliche, it basically just means don’t wish for something just make it happen. My mom used to use this euphemism all the time.

    I am restarting hormone therapy after what I can’t believe has been a few years of me being on and off hormones. I must say this experience feels similar to meeting an old, albeit somewhat chaotic (if only at first) friend.

    You know the vibe and the history, but you definitely forgot somethings that would predict how intense the reunion would be, and this big feelings reaction is why I wish I would have remembered at least one of these things about being on testosterone.

    I wrote this journal entry in the experience and realization directly after it hit. This all aligned with my fifth consistent needle stick back on hormone replacement therapy. I chose to write this journal publicly for anyone else as a resource incase they to end up living in the experience, as well as those readers who just like creative writing that exists inside lived truth.

    Let’s figure out where that itch is, where my hunger grows, and where my emotional stability went out the window, for a moment or two.

    A current 2026 pink haired and shirtless Axton takes a mirror selfie with HRT needle and syringe in front of red velvet shower curtain.
    Somethings never change.

    The Itch Never Quits:

    I genuinely forgot about the itchiness. It’s not just a fleeing annoyance; it is an all-encompassing, deep-down itch. Sometimes when I’m sweating on a hike and shirtless it feels like a bug on my skin or while doing yard work it resembles grass stuck to the sweat on my back; the only difference is the itch doesn’t seem to be beat by anything.

    No matter how much I scratch, the feeling stays. It’s that early-stage transition rite of passage where your skin chemistry decides to wage a localized war against itself. It’s persistent, it’s annoying, and it makes you want to crawl out of your own skin, if only just to get one moment of relief.

    You spend half your time trying to figure out if it’s dry skin, a reaction, or just the sheer speed at which your body is rearranging the furniture. Every time I think I’ve got it managed, it comes back with a vengeance in the middle of the night or day. Pro tip: keep the moisturizer handy, because honestly, my sanity currently depends on it.


    The Bottomless Pit of Hunger:

    I remembered being hungry, but I forgot the urgency of it. This is not your average”I could eat a snack” hungry; it is closer to “I need to consume every caloric entity in this house within the next five minutes” hungry.

    It almost feels primal. I am always craving meat and carbs anymore, at least it seems that way.

    I wonder like my metabolism woke up from a long nap and realized it had a massive project to complete by tomorrow morning. It feels as if it’s been asleep since around the time I stopped being more consistent with my shot.

    My fridge is now a revolving door, and I am officially a danger to any kitchen pantry I encounter. I’ll sit down to a full meal, finish it, and find myself staring into the freezer ten minutes later wondering where the rest of the sustenance is.

    It’s not just about wanting food; it’s a constant, background hum of needing fuel that makes me feel like I’m running a marathon while sitting on the couch.


    The Muscle Awakening:

    One morning, I just… had muscles again. It’s wild. You go through years of feeling like you’re carrying a light, unresponsive frame, and then suddenly, there’s definition where there used to be nothing but soft edges or bone. Muscles I didn’t even remember were dormant decided to clock back in for work.

    It’s like waking up in a body that’s been upgraded while I wasn’t looking, and honestly? It’s pretty cool, even if the “growing pains” of sudden muscle density are a real thing. There’s a tightness in my shoulders and a new weight to my movements that feels foreign but right.

    I’m catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and having to do a double-take at the silhouette staring back once again. I missed the me on vitamin T.


    The Mood Whiplash:

    This is the one I really wasn’t prepared to face again; I feel like I may have even overlooked their existence. I wish I would have remembered at least them being a problem at all, but at least now I can be prepared to deal with them moving forward.

    The mood swings hit with a level of intensity that made me want to apologize to everyone in my vicinity. It’s was a bit messy. It honestly felt too much like every emotion was happening all at once in my brain forming a chaotic emotional landscape.

    One minute I felt fine, and the next, the smallest thing had me feeling like a vibrating box of frustration and inexplicable sensitivity.

    I caught myself thinking about how many of the people in my life now didn’t even know me eleven years ago; they have no context for this version of me. I wish I could have handed them a manual, or at least a warning label, so they’d have a small warning at least.

    It’s a strange, lonely feeling, having to re-learn how to navigate my own emotions all over again. I’m just hoping everyone else can keep up and spare a little grace.


    The Sensitivity Shift:

    Let’s be real: bottom growth is a major milestone, but it also comes with a learning curve that is decidedly uncomfortable. When your body starts changing in such a sensitive area, the simple act of just wearing underwear becomes a tactical operation.

    The friction is real, the sensitivity is off the charts. Yikes seems to be the only appropriate way to describe the experience of walking around while your body is actively reconfiguring itself.

    It’s an awkward, persistent form of “hello” from my own biology. I never realize how much I took for granted the lack of friction in my daily life until every single movement reminded me that things are growing, shifting, and changing.

    I’m learning to adapt again, but man, these first few weeks are a serious exercise in trial and error regarding fabric choices and sitting positions.


    Scent the Bonus Forgotten Change:

    I also definitely forget how much my body odor changed. It’s a complete one-hundred- eighty degree shift. I mean a completely different profile that caught me off guard within the first week of being back on hormone replacement therapy.

    I remembered it a moment too late; it is a distinct change, and it’s a massive signifier of what’s happening internally. I never thought I’d be happy to say I was stinky. Here we are though.

    The deodorant struggle? That’s an elite-level battle. A free years back I had to ditch the brand I used to use because, apparently the new Old Spice formula is my enemy. I’ve ended up with painful chemical burns in the armpit area because my body decided they were suddenly a threat.

    It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with, but it’s just another one of those weird, things that happen.


    Did You Wish in One Hand:

    The truth is, none of these changes are actually new to me. The sensitivity, muscle growth, or stink have all happened before. What surprised me wasn’t that they returned. The surprise was hidden in how thoroughly I had forgotten them.

    I think that’s what happens when enough time passes.

    We remember the big milestones, the life-changing moments, and the broad strokes of an experience, but we forget the day-to-day realities that came with getting there. We remember the destination and somehow lose track of the road that led us there.

    Restarting hormone replacement therapy has felt a lot like being reunited with an old version of myself. Not because I’m becoming someone new, but because I’m reconnecting with someone I already know. The process is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and occasionally ridiculous, thought I still would do it again and again.

    Underneath all of these temporary frustrations is something I didn’t expect to feel quite this strongly again: recognition.

    Every strange symptom, every awkward adjustment, every forgotten side effect is also evidence that things are moving forward. My body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing, even when it chooses the most chaotic methods possible to communicate that fact.

    For anyone else finding themselves on this ride, whether after a break or for the very first time, consider this your affirmation and know you’re not imagining it.

    Welcome to the club.

    For now, I’ll keep taking my shot, keep relearning these lessons, and keep making notes when my memory inevitably fails me again. After all, if there is one thing this second spin around the hormone rollercoaster has taught me, it’s that the ride is a lot easier when you remember where the sharp turns are.

    Axton in blue t shirt, black pants, and high tops in a mirror selfie in 2015 right before starting HT.
    Screenshot

    TLDR:

    Restarting testosterone felt a lot like reconnecting with an old friend I forgot was this chaotic.

    The itching, hunger, muscle growth, mood swings, sensitivity, and body odor changes all came back faster and harder than I remembered.

    Most of these changes aren’t new. I had simply forgotten what the early weeks actually felt like.

    This second round of hormone therapy has been a reminder that the small day-to-day realities of transition are often easier to forget than the major milestones.

    Despite the discomfort, every change is a sign that things are moving forward and that my body is responding exactly as expected.

    Hand palm up and open holds a syringe and needle full of testosterone.
    Shot time.

    Related Reads:

    Masculinizing HRT Guide – USFC

    T Shots Reborn – Men’s Health

    Being off T – The Mirror

    His Granite Skin– Short story – Nature & Identity

  • ⁠The Architecture of a Hike: Ohiopyle Recovery and Celebrations

    ⁠The Architecture of a Hike: Ohiopyle Recovery and Celebrations


    Best For:

    Those transitioning from performative milestones to intentional, individuals seeking physically grounded experiences, readers who are deconstructing childhood trauma, adult-children who celebrate the life of their parent after loss, and readers looking for emotional journal entries.

    The Vault:

    •  Let’s Celebrate: My 11 years on T anniversary & Taelor’s birthday
    • The Deconstruction: Stripping the “church youth group” narrative away from Ohiopyle to find the raw history underneath.
    • The Pivots: Changing trek plans as usual & Confronting the reality that memory is a liar, my 12-year-old brain remembered guardrails; where are they?
    • The Ghost in the Gorge: Why this trip wasn’t a pilgrimage to the past, but an attempt to map the landscape where my mother’s presence still lingers.
    A 2012 candid photo of Stacy Bentz-Swayn smiling in the foreground with Axton Mitchell standing behind her, both have wide candid smiles while standing in Axton’s childhood kitchen.
    Circa 2012 with my mom in my childhood kitchen smiling wider than I remember being able to.

    Do You Want to Know What Brought us Here:

    My Original Plan was a high-altitude sweep through West Virginia, but the mountains had other ideas. What would have been a day soaked in rain got redirected before we even started.

    Which led us to drive into Ohiopyle while it transformed into something much heavier: an intentional, Cali-sober confrontation with the landmarks of my own history.

    This post breaks down the pivot that led Taelor and me to swap West Virginia’s summits for two high points more northern and for gorge views. We totally celebrated my buddy’s birthday after an emotional few weeks for her, correctly.

    A candid close-up of Axton Mitchell and hiking companion Taelor during a trek, capturing a personal moment of connection and shared memory in Hocking Hills State Park circa 2023
    Tae tried to tell me she had only been hiking once (also with me) but 5 years ago. She however forgot our Hocking Hills trip.

    While marking off my eleven years on testosterone without the performative, memory-erasing rituals of my past. While examining why returning to a place I once visited with my mother, stripped of the “church youth group” narrative, was the only way to finally see the landscape for what it actually is.

    If you’re tired of curated, sanitized travel writing, you’re in the right place. We’re moving past the “max view” vanity projects and getting into the real work of mapping memory; here is why this hike was the ceremony that mattered.

    A candid close-up of Axton Mitchell and hiking companion Taelor during a trek, capturing a personal moment of connection and shared memory in Hocking Hills State Park circa 2023
    Tae tried to tell me she had only been hiking once (also with me) but 5 years ago. She however forgot our Hocking Hills trip and this is another photo to prove it.

    The Short Work Week:

    I set my work week to finish on Tuesday on purpose. I cleared the calendar so I wouldn’t have to rush back in, which gave me the space to actually breathe before the chaos of the road. I finished my shift, got home, and started the final pack-up.

    The goal was to clear the mental noise and get some solid, uninterrupted sleep before meeting Taelor to head out. After that nap, the weight of the work-week was gone, and the only thing left was the road.


    The Pivot – Beyond Original Plans:

    Almost every hiking trip I plan follows a repeating cycle. There’s the Original Plan typically written in ink, ambitious, and maybe a bit “max-view” checklist feeling.

    Then there’s the Actual Plan, which usually arrives with the rain or the realization that I actually want a little more time to spend on the original.

    The Original Plan was supposed to be a high-altitude sweep through West Virginia. It would include Seneca, Spruce, and the Sods of course, a checklist of summits and max-view points. The mountains had other ideas.

    The weather shifted, the radar started looking like a death sentence for any view, and I realized I wasn’t interested in fighting the sky just to stand on a wet, grey rock. I didn’t want to finally drag myself up Seneca Rocks just to stare at a curtain of fog. Also I’d rather not risk sliding off a slick, rain-soaked rock face for a vanity project.

    A 2021 candid photo taken inside a car on the way to a hike, showing Axton in the front seat and Taelor in the back seat with her husky, Sky. In route to Tae’s first hike.
    2021 Tae, Skye, & Axton on the way to Tae’s first hike.

    So, we pivoted, cut the noise, packed the car, and steered toward Ohiopyle. It had been sitting on my list for years, a ghostly note in my brain, and it happened to fall into place perfectly with our starting point.

    It became the destination because it was the only one that allowed me to stop running from the actual weather of my own life.

    It just so happened to be exactly what we both needed without me having noticed until much later in the trip.

    So you want to see the difference between what I mapped and what happened?

    The Original Plan:

    •  Geography: A high-altitude sweep of West Virginia, targeting summit views, rock formations, & wilderness.
    • Objective: Summit-driven, elevation-heavy, & focused on ‘max-view’ checkpoints to celebrate my 11 years on T & Taelor’s birthday.
    • Expectations: A checklist-based success; a clean, high-visibility celebration that felt like a standard, recordable adventure.
    • Locations: Seneca Rocks (Sunrise), Germany Valley Overlook, Spruce Knob, Pyramid Cave, Dolly Sods (Bear Rocks), Blackwater Falls / Lindy Point, Douglas Falls , & Coopers Rock State Forrest

    The Actual Plan:

    • Geography: A redirected, multi-state pivot to Ohiopyle, focusing on the gorge, the natural water slide, waterfalls & the bonus WV additional stop.
    • Objective: An intentional, cali-sober confrontation with history. We didn’t summit the ‘big’ peaks because we were busy doing the internal work of navigating grief and growth.
    • Reality: We spent the time in the mud & the gorge, dealing with the emotional weight of my mother’s ghost & the reality of two people trying to move forward after a string of brutal weeks.
    • Locations: Maryland Savage Mountain, Highpoint Pennsylvania, Ferncliff Trail, Meadow Run Natural Slide, Cucumber Falls, & Underlook Trail at Cooper’s Rock
    Axton Mitchell, shirtless with bright yellow-dyed hair and red shorts, stands next to his brown pit bull, Luna, behind a wooden railing at an overlook at Coopers Rock in 2019.
    Circa 2019 Coopers Rock Overlook Luna & Ax,

    The Ghost of Youth Group:

    Let’s be clear: I don’t believe in “white” Jesus. The “church youth group” trip to Ohiopyle was nothing more than an experience to grow from. Acting as a low-resolution frame for a photograph I didn’t fully understand when I was twelve. My mom, friends, and other family members were there. That is the only piece of that memory that holds any gravity.

    I have spent decades carrying a curated version of Ohiopyle in my head. The sanitized, supervised, and safe version. I had convinced myself it was a playground. Upon my return as a 34-year-old, I saw the river as it is… brutal, indifferent, and carving through the sandstone with a slow, geologic rage that has zero regard for human history.

    This wasn’t a spiritual retreat; I wasn’t there seeking to find some transcendent truth about God. I was there to touch the raw stone and see if the landscape felt the same.

    The river didn’t care that my mom didn’t come this time. Nor did it mind that I’m older now. The realization wasn’t comforting; it was devastatingly, beautifully honest. I needed to see that the water was still moving exactly the same way it did before the timeline split, confirming that the world kept spinning even when my own stopped.

    Memory = Liar

    I used to think that returning to this place would be like stepping back into a time machine. I thought I’d feel the comfort of the youth group or the safety of being looked after…

    Memory is a pathological liar; My brain had airbrushed the danger out of the gorge. It had installed guardrails in my head that don’t exist on the actual river. Seeing that reality, the way the water actually chews through the rock, didn’t just ground me in the present; it allowed me to forgive the 12-year-old version of me for needing the safety I thought was there.

    I don’t need the safety anymore. I need the truth of the stone.

    I needed to see that the river is indifferent to my nostalgia so I could finally start moving forward without feeling like I was betraying the version of me that came before.

    A wide, scenic shot at a Coopers Rock overlook showing Axton Mitchell from behind standing at a wooden railing looking out over a vast, green forest valley, with his dog Luna standing near him on the rocky ledge.
    Circa 2019 Coopers Rock Overlook Luna & Ax,

    The Anniversary of Self:

    My Eleven years on testosterone; Taelor’s birthday. For most of my adult life, these kinds of days were synonymous with destruction. You know the bonfire nights that drain your bank account and the performative act of hosting everyone else’s fun. Meanwhile I am lost fully dissolved into a haze of alcohol. I spent years paying to be a ghost at my own parties. Working toward ensuring I’d be too blacked-out to actually enjoy them.

    Did I mention I’m not a drinking man typically?

    I cut the cord. No alcohol, no performance, no “passing out early.” The celebration was the trek, the mud, and the absolute, crushing fatigue in my legs as we navigated the many trails. I wanted to spend my celebratory moments doing the very thing I love, immerse myself in nature.

    It’s about being present for the first time in over a decade for my wins.

    I’m marking 11 years on testosterone by reclaiming the space my body occupies in the woods, stripping away the artificiality of the party-hosting version of me, and finding out what the version of me that actually remembers feels like.

    Any number of years on hormones, I feel, is a quiet milestone.

    There is no ticker tape; no party, just 4,000 days of slow, permanent change. When I think back to who I was when I started, that kid feels like a ghost I’m still trying to shake.

    Pairing this with Taelor’s birthday wasn’t an accident. We are both in seasons of reconstruction. She is rebuilding her footing, and I am solidifying a version of myself that would have been unrecognizable to the 12-year-old me standing in Ohiopyle with my mom.

    That’s the real ceremony.

    It’s not about a win; it’s about the fact that I’m still standing here, in the cold, with a few good friends who today happens to be Taelor.

    They all understand why we’d rather hike 10 miles than sit at a bar for the time it takes to hike one. The silence in the woods is the only environment where I can actually hear what 11 years of change sounds like all while remaining with the energy left behind by my mom.

    A close-up shot of Axton Mitchell sitting on a large rock with his dog, Luna, in the woods; Axton has his hair dyed yellow, is making a hand gesture, and has his tongue out, while Luna sits beside him with her tongue also hanging out.
    Circa 2019 Coopers Rock Overlook Luna & Ax,

    We Hike & I love it:

    We didn’t hike to escape reality. We hiked to finally look the ghost of the past in the eye. Yet here I’m the one setting the pace.

    The Original Plan might have failed, but the Actual Plan the one that allowed me to experience the memory of my mother and the reality of my eleven year celebration was the only one that worked.

    I’m done with the parties that leave you empty. I’m doing the hikes that leave you full of emotions, fatigued, but entirely, painfully, undeniably awake.


    TLDR:

    I replaced the tradition of alcohol-fueled, memory-erasing celebrations with a high-intensity, multi-state hike to celebrate 11 years on testosterone and my bestie’s birthday.

    We pivoted from a high-altitude West Virginia plan to an Ohiopyle-centered route; I needed to reconcile the 12-year-old me who went there with my mother against the 34-year-old me who sees the land as it actually is: raw, indifferent, and honest.

    The trip was the ceremony; The hike was the point.


    Explore More Emotionally:

    American Hiking – Peace After Loss

    Mountain Life Media – How Trails Lead Out of Grief

    Grief Share – Guide to Support

    Savage Mountain | Pennsylvania’s Highpoint | Ferncliff Trail | Meadow Run | Cucumber Falls | Underlook Trail |


  • The Anatomy of Becoming: Why Your Transition Isn’t a Checklist

    The Anatomy of Becoming: Why Your Transition Isn’t a Checklist


    Best For:

    Trans & non-binary individuals struggling with “imposter syndrome” regarding their identity, others who feel pressured by societal expectations of transition, readers seeking a compassionate definition of what it means to be trans, anyone navigating the gap between internal identity & external perception, & on the fence readers and those naysayers who are open to honest conversations.

    The Vault:

    •  The Checklist Myth: The false belief that transition requires a specific, universal set of medical or legal achievements to be “valid.”
    • The Internal Pact: Recognizing that being transgender is fundamentally an internal realization, not an external performance.
    • Identity vs. Tools: Viewing hormones, surgeries, & legal markers as supportive tools for alignment, rather than requirements for existence.
    • The Fluidity of Becoming: Acknowledging that transition looks different for every individual, trans masculine, feminine, or non-binary, & that there is no singular “right way” to inhabit your body.
    Axton 22 yeas old, pre-testosterone
    Oh to be twenty-two.

    Achievement Unlocked:

    There is a pervasive, exhausting lie that being transgender is a series of medical appointments, paperwork, and surgeries. People often treat it like a video game, where the player (also known as the one transitioning in this instance) you have to unlock enough “achievements” to finally be considered valid.

    The truth is simpler, and much more profound: being transgender is the act of listening to yourself.

    Transitioning isn’t a quest to prove your validity to others; it’s the quiet, daily commitment to inhabit the body and the life that actually fits who you are.

    It’s the acknowledgment to one’s self that you are not cisgender by any means, as well as the fact that you may wish to transition in some form.

    Transitioning could look like self expression, social related things, medical procedures, and more. This is not a checklist to hit and more of a self discovery journey.


    Mapping the Umbrella – You Fit, If You Want To:

    The term “transgender” often gets treated like a rigid box with specific entry requirements, but in reality, it is more like an expansive, encompassing umbrella. Beneath this canopy, there is room for binary trans men & women, non-binary folks, gender-queer peeps, gender-fluid individuals, intersex babes, and so many others who exist outside the strict cisgender heterosexual binary of “man” or “woman”.

    BORING!

    Remember:

    However, one of the most important things to remember is that this umbrella is not a cage.

     The Power of Self-Definition:

    Just because someone exists outside the traditional gender binary, identifies as non-binary, or gender non-conforming, does not automatically mean they have to claim the “transgender” label.

    Chill out and enjoy the journey little ones, half the fun is getting there.

     Individual Sovereignty:

    If you are non-binary or gender non-conforming, whether you feel like you are also “trans” is a decision that rests entirely with you.

    For some, “trans” is an essential part of their identity because it describes their transition away from their assigned gender.

    For others, the label may not feel like it fits their experience, and that is just as valid.

     The Right to Choose:

    Being under the umbrella is a choice of community and shared experience, not a medical or social mandate. You are the only person who gets to decide which words best describe your soul, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you do or don’t identify with a specific label.

    At the end of the day, the umbrella exists to support us, not to categorize us against our will. Whether you identify with the trans label, the non-binary label, both, or neither, your existence is the only proof you need of your validity.

    The Digital Mirage & Performing Identity:

    We live in an age where transition is often performed for the algorithm. There is a new, invisible checklist curated by social media: the “right” aesthetic, the perfect timeline of photos, and the pressure to document every step of a “glow-up.”

    This creates a digital standard that is arguably more exhausting than the old medical ones. If your journey doesn’t look like a polished, high-definition transformation, it is easy to feel like you aren’t “trans enough.”

    But your validity is not content. Your life is not a highlight reel. You are allowed to exist without documenting it, without performing it, and without meeting the aesthetic standards of the internet.

    Authenticity is not a static state of being; it is a practice. It is a living, breathing thing that evolves. If your understanding of yourself shifts or refines over time, that isn’t a failure or a sign of “regret;” it is the natural, healthy process of getting to know the most honest version of yourself.

    Axton at 22 in his first underworks triple nylon chest binder
    Some men have layers of nylon as skin too.

    Redefining the Core – Who You Are, Not What You Do:

    There is a pervasive, exhausting lie that being transgender is a series of medical appointments, paperwork, and surgeries. As if a checklist exists where you fill in a certain amount of predetermined boxes and become transgender enough. News Flash: being transgender is the act of listening to yourself when you discover you aren’t exactly cisgender.

    Transitioning isn’t a quest to prove your validity to others; it’s the quiet, daily commitment to inhabit the body and the life that actually fits who you are.

    Identity is the Truth; Action is the Tool

    For a long time, I thought I had to be “loud” to be a man. I needed the beard, the labels, the surgical scars. You know my whole picked by part catalog of physical markers to convince the world, and myself, that I was real.

    Back in 2016, I was chasing the image of manhood. Today, in 2026, I don’t look for him anymore. I know him. I see him every day, and I don’t need to perform him for anyone, except maybe sometimes myself.

    The core of being trans is simply the admission that the self you know inside does not match the body or the expectations placed upon you at birth.

    Everything else? That’s just the toolbox.

    You might use hormone therapy, you might use surgery, or you might use a change in your name and how you walk through the world.

    The tools are there to help you feel at home, they aren’t a requirement for your existence.

    18 years-old, circa 2010, Axton wears a forward facing flat bill hat, with long blonde streaked hair holding the peace sign up and tongue out making the pussy licker symbol.
    Pussy liquor make ya sicker. Pussy liquor do it quicker. – Rob Zombie

    Every Roadmap is Different:

    We are all individual, our transitions are individual.

     Some of us prioritize medical intervention; it is the way we quiet the noise in our heads.

    Or,

    Maybe it is the way we thought would help us feel better in our skin prison.

    Some of us find peace through social transitions; when we change our names, our pronouns, gender markers, or how we may express ourselves (though this doesn’t have to align with any gender norm).

     For many in the non-binary community, the journey challenges the binary “wrong body” narrative entirely, focusing instead on fluidity and authentic expression that doesn’t follow a straight line or anyone’s damn map.

    No person is “more” or “less” trans based on their medical history or social transitions. You are not a project to be completed; You are a person who is simply choosing to align their external reality with their internal truths.

    Axton Mitchell age 5 preschool photos 1996
    Axton Mitchell age 5 pre school

    Timeout:

    When did I apply to be a self help guru, seriously?

    I am just aiming to share my experiences. In hopes that others like me, others who have predisposed ideas of people like me, and everyone in between can come together eventually.

    There will be no change, no education, no conversation leading to common ground even, if we do not express ourselves.

    This is my attempt at making something better if not for the current people living then the people who are yet to come. we are not scary, trans people that is. I love to help others, hike & explore the beauty of natural America, collect stones, create art, and read.

    Tell me if you feel differently what is the big difference in the way you see us vs everyone else?


    The Barriers That Silence Our Truth:

    We often talk about transition as a path, but we rarely acknowledge the walls that stand in the way of those who are undeniably trans, yet unable to move forward. Being transgender is not a choice, but for many, the act of showing the world who you are is a calculation weighed against survival.

    Political precarity and the looming threat of losing rights can make the prospect of coming out feel like an invitation for danger, forcing many to keep their identity hidden as a form of protection.

    Financial instability often prevents individuals from accessing the medical or legal tools they need, leaving them stuck in a body that doesn’t match their internal truth.

    The exhaustion of navigating complex health systems or hostile legal environments can act as a profound deterrent, leading people to pause or stay in the closet simply to preserve their peace of mind.

    Many also remain in the shadows because they fear that if they begin their transition, they will lose the safety of their current life, their relationships, or their place in their community.

    These reasons do not make you less trans, and they do not invalidate your identity. You are still transgender the moment you know who you are, even if you are forced to remain quiet about it while you navigate these impossible external realities.

    The Exhaustion Tax:

    Beyond the physical or political barriers, we must talk about the “exhaustion tax.” Living in the closet or delaying your transition isn’t just about safety; it is an incredible, constant expenditure of mental bandwidth.

    The energy required to monitor your speech, suppress your mannerisms, and constantly deflect or deflect curiosity from others is immense. When you are forced to keep your identity hidden, you are effectively paying a survival tax on your own cognitive resources. Recognizing that this “hidden labor” is a real, taxing part of your experience is the first step toward reclaiming that energy for your own peace.

    Digital Art Axton Mitchell in jeans and a gray t-shirt with a transgender pride flag in the center, lays in a field of flowers.
    This is the life.

    The Personal Pact:

    Reclaiming your autonomy is about defying the gatekeepers.

    When you realize that you don’t owe the world a specific roadmap, the pressure to conform starts to fade. You stop living for the “what-ifs” and the political precarity of the moment, and you start living for the consistency of your own life.

    I spent a long time stuck in the corner of my own “timeout,” waiting for permission to be who I am. I’m done with that. I am choosing to exist, and I am choosing to do it in the body I have earned, regardless of what the headlines say.


    Destination Nowhere:

    Transitioning is not a destination you reach to earn your humanity; it is the ongoing, deeply personal process of becoming.

    Whether you are walking a path of medical transition, social evolution, or the quiet reclamation of your identity outside of any labels, you are the author of your own truth.

    You don’t need a checklist to be who you are, and you certainly don’t need anyone’s permission to inhabit the body you’ve earned. Trust your internal compass, embrace your own pace, and remember that your existence is not a negotiation; it is a fact.

    Transgender pride colored sticker with image of a white snail & thought bubble saying a trans person peed here and you didn’t even know it. On a bathroom sign at a nature preserve.
    Boom! Mic drop!

    TLDR:

    Being transgender is an internal realization that your true self doesn’t align with your assigned gender, not a checklist of medical or surgical achievements.

    You hold total sovereignty over your transition roadmap, including which labels from the transgender umbrella you choose to claim or ignore.

    Your journey is a personal pact to inhabit your own body on your own terms. You do not owe the world a specific definition or path to prove your validity.


    Join the Conversation

    I’d love to hear how this lands with you.

    What is one part of your identity that you’ve reclaimed that had nothing to do with a medical procedure?

     How has your definition of “transition” changed since you first started your journey?

     What does it mean to you to truly “inhabit” your own body?

    Let’s talk in the comments below.


    Other Related Things:

    The Gender Dysphoria Bible

    Trans lifeline Guide to Being an Ally

    Death before Detransition

    The Erasure of Protecting Children


  • Death Before De-transition: Navigating Queer Anticipatory Grief

    Death Before De-transition: Navigating Queer Anticipatory Grief


    Best For:

    Transgender & non-binary individuals navigating political anxiety, LGBTQ+ individuals grappling with the psychological isolation of queer anticipatory grief, advocates & allies seeking a deeper understanding of the internal pressures behind the headlines, skeptics & fence-sitters willing to engage with a honest & human perspective on medical autonomy, & readers of emotional journal entries.

    The Vault:

    • Anticipatory Grief: Understanding the unique, complex mourning process of experiencing the loss of one’s future or rights before they are actually taken away.
    • Queer Anticipatory Surrender: Acknowledging the psychological trap of dismantling one’s own life as a preemptive defense against political threats.
    • The Power of Consistency: Re-framing hormone therapy not just as a medical necessity, but as a deliberate, defiant act of daily existence.
    • Reframing Rebellion: The realization that my “timeout” rebellion was actually self-sabotage rather than a strategic protest against the system.
    • The Mirror Moment: Understanding the vital importance of having a trusted voice to challenge our internal narratives when we are too close to the fire to see the patterns.
    • Identity Beyond Fear: The shift from chasing the image of manhood in 2016 to truly inhabiting & owning that identity in 2026.

    Modern Reality- Queer Anticipatory Grief:

    We are living through a period where the future feels like something being held hostage. For many of us, the weight of the current political climate has shifted from a background hum into a constant, suffocating pressure.

    It is easy to look at the rights we have fought for and the lives we have built and decide, in a moment of pure, panicked self-preservation, that it is safer to dismantle them ourselves before anyone else can. I fell into that trap. I spent months performing a silent, voluntary medical de-transition. After i somehow convinced myself that giving up my autonomy on my own terms, meant that I was somehow beating the system.

    This was a lie I told myself to cope with the reality of queer anticipatory grief. Followed by the story of how I let fear steal my consistency, the mirror moment that finally snapped me out of it, and why I am officially done sitting in the corner of my own self-imposed timeout.

    A candid selfie of Axton Mitchell taken in 2026, showing him sitting in a car while smoking. He is wearing a colorful tie-dye hoodie, a baseball cap, and dark sunglasses, with ear gauges and lip piercings visible. His hand, adorned with a tattoo, is raised, capturing a moment of relaxed, contemporary style.
    Just live your life dawg.

    The False Security of the Early Years:

    In May of 2015, I began the medical transition through hormone replacement therapy. I had been in Las Vegas, living just shy of a full four weeks when I enter the office that would change my life forever. After all this was the whole reason I packed up and headed to live my life out west, at the ripe age of twenty-three.

    This step would be the first one on a long path that would align my physical reality with the man I had always been. At that time, transition felt like watching the sunrise over a calm lake after a peaceful night at camp, or a breath of fresh air after choking down the words of your truth for two decades plus.

    It was a period of frantic, beautiful change: a dismantling of the wrong pieces and a careful reconstruction of the right ones. Between 2015 and 2017, I navigated legal name and gender marker changes, followed by a double mastectomy in 2017, as well as this first step.

    A photograph of Axton Mitchell shortly after his double mastectomy surgery, shown resting in a recovery setting. Axton is wearing a white compression tank top over medical bandages, with surgical drains visible on his chest and stomach. He has a beard, tattoos on his arms, a red hospital wristband, and one arm resting behind his head, capturing a moment of rest 12 hours post-operation.
    Twelve hours post op double mastectomy was a movie.

    The Loud & Proud Trope:

    I was and am loud about me, I always will be. My handles on digital platforms have ranged from things like AxtonFtMitch, daddyaxe, the_ax-ident, that_tranny_ax , and many others. These acted as a testament to a man who refused to hide, who could joke, and exist visibly as an example for others who were like him.

    Back in the beginning of my medical journey, the political climate was a background hum.

    It was there, sure, but it didn’t feel like an encroaching ceiling, or like the entire world we lived in was lit ablaze. I was operating under the assumption that the world, for all its flaws, would allow me the space to exist.

    Young, naive, and still placing way too much faith in our government.

    I was blinded by the excitement of becoming, and in that blindness, I failed to prepare for a world that might suddenly decide to stop letting me be.

    A shirtless portrait of Axton Mitchell 21 days after his double mastectomy. He is looking directly at the camera, showing the surgical scars on his chest with medical tape still visible on his side, capturing a moment of healing and recovery in 2017.
    Twenty-one days post op, and finally the last drain who I named Flo, could go.

    2025 – The Shift from “What If” to “When”:

    By 2025, the climate had curdled. The fear wasn’t hypothetical; it was tangible, systemic, and deeply malicious. Unlike the first political cycle I navigated, this one felt like it was aiming directly at the blueprint of my life.

    There is a psychological trap that I think many of us are falling into: the trap of “anticipatory surrender.” I found myself looking at the rights I had fought for and concluding that they were already effectively revoked.

    I gave weight to fear mongers on TikTok telling have the truths built on very stretched thin beds of lies. Even when I continued to tell myself, I’ll have to check this first, the feelings of suffocation still came with or without my fact check or consent.

    I told myself, “They are going to take this from me, so I’ll take it from myself first.” I wanted to stay in control, even if that control meant self-destruction. I began hoarding vials and skipping doses, performing a quiet, personal medical de-transition on my own terms before a faceless authority could demand it of me.

    A close-up portrait of Axton Mitchell from February 2017, just shy of two years on testosterone. He has short, blue-tinted hair and a beard, and he is holding a medical syringe of testosterone between his teeth, looking directly at the camera with a confident expression.
    February 2017 just shy of 2 years in T and my Double Mastectomy.

    The Rebellious Ego – Staying in “Timeout”:

    I’ve used to be the kid who, when placed in timeout, would refuse to leave the corner long after my time was up. I had to be the one to decide when the punishment ended. When I stopped my hormones, I told myself I was “sticking it to the man,” just as I had done way back then.

    I was wrong. I wasn’t protesting; I was punishing myself. My friends and loved ones tried to pull me back, tried to point out the logic, but I was too buried in my own narrative of “death before de-transition” to hear them, not even seeing I wasn’t holding up my end of the death before detransition narrative.

    I had confused surrender with strategy. I was so terrified of the potential loss that I began to orchestrate the loss myself, losing the consistency, the balance, and the joy I had fought years to secure.

    A portrait of Axton Mitchell in March 2016, marking 10 months on testosterone. He is sitting on a leather chair, wearing a black t-shirt featuring a "The Walking Dead" graphic and a baseball cap, looking up toward the camera with visible tattoos on his arms.
    March 2016 at 10 months on T, just me my drag & my selfie stick.

    The Mirror Held Up – A Moment of Clarity:

    The wall finally broke during a conversation with a trusted friend, who carries respect for me as I do them. I was venting about the physical consequences of my inconsistency: the return of “shark week” and the internal chaos that comes with hormone fluctuations.

    I wanted sympathy; instead, I got a mirror. If I am being vulnerable and honest to myself and you I needed the mirror way more.

    She asked me, “Why are you not taking your testosterone?” I gave her the same played out excuse I had been providing everyone over the last couple months longer than a year. “Are you giving it to him before he even proves he’s going to take it from you?”

    That question stripped away every justification I had constructed. She reframed my “rebellion” as exactly what it was: a voluntary de-transition.

    The realization was visceral. I had been waiting for the storm to take my roof off, so I decided to rip it off myself to save the trouble.

    A close-up view of Axton’s palm, showing calluses and a tattoo on his wrist, holding a medical syringe filled with testosterone. This image symbolizes the consistency and medical autonomy discussed in the post.
    The magical serum that showed me the man.

    Reclamation – The Man I See Today:

    I refuse to move my care into a system that I don’t trust, which is why I held onto and will continue to maintain an out-of-state, Pennsylvania provider rather than defaulting to local Ohio state options. Within two weeks of that conversation, I was back on track. Today marks my fourth consecutive week of doing my shots on Monday’s.

    There is a fundamental difference between who I was in 2016 and who I am today. In 2016, I was a man looking into the mirror, hoping to see the person I knew I could be. I was chasing the beard, the image, the external markers of manhood.

    Today, I don’t look for him anymore. I know him. I see him multiple times a day. I hear him speak.

    Transition is no longer about the “what-ifs” or the political precarity of the moment. It is an act of defiance through consistency.

    I am choosing to exist, and I am choosing to do it in the body I have earned, regardless of what the politicians in DC or the statehouse think. I am done sitting in the corner of my own “timeout.”

    I am back. I am consistent. I am finally back on my own terms.

    A mirror selfie of Axton Mitchell from May 7, 2015, taken on the day he was set to begin hormone therapy. Axton is wearing a bright blue t-shirt, dark pants, and high-top sneakers, standing in a bedroom and looking toward the camera with a mix of nervous anticipation.
    The last time in my life my body wouldn’t be changed by testosterone.

    The Path Forward:

    Reclaiming my medical autonomy was never just about a prescription or a weekly shot. It was about reclaiming the agency that fear tried to annex.

    By holding onto my provider in Pennsylvania, I kept my care tethered to a system I trust, ensuring that my transition remains a private, personal pact rather than a political concession.

    I have stopped looking for the man I was chasing in 2016 and have finally settled into the skin of the man I am right now. My goal moving forward is simple: to live with the same unapologetic visibility that defined my early years, but with a new, sturdier foundation. I am no longer interested in the “what-ifs” or the hypothetical threats of tomorrow. I am interested in the consistency of my Mondays, the reality of my growth, and the quiet, defiant act of existing in the world exactly as I am.

    The storm may be outside, but I am no longer dismantling my own house to survive it. I am staying, I am steady, and I am finally, truly, back.

    photograph of Axton Mitchell in the woods at Ohiopyle State Park in May 2026, marking his 11-year anniversary of beginning testosterone. Axton is wearing glasses and a backpack, standing among the trees in a moment of celebration and reflection on his transition journey.
    Happy eleven years buddy.

    TLDR:

    Political fear convinced me I was already losing my identity, so I started acting like the loss was real. I skipped testosterone doses, and called it staying in control.

    What felt like preparation was actually anticipatory surrender, and I was dismantling my own stability. I started calling it rebellion, but it was really self-sabotage.

    A trusted friend challenged my logic, and it took one question to brake my entire narrative. I got back on a consistent schedule, and my chaos started settling down.

    Fear had been making my decisions, I took that power back, and the future will always be uncertain. I need to remember it is my commitment to myself that is not.

    A portrait of a young Axton Mitchell as a child with their mother, Stacy Bentz, taken in the early 1990s. The photo captures a nostalgic moment, with Axton’s mother smiling and Axton sitting in the foreground.
    Throwback way back.

    Join in the Convo:

    What does your “Monday” look like? I’d love to hear about the small, consistent acts that help you reclaim your space and autonomy.

    Or,

    If you’ve ever found yourself caught in the trap of anticipatory surrender, how did you find your way back to your own steady ground?

    Let’s talk in the comments below.


    More Related Pieces:

    Storia: Future Self Coach – Let’s Help Each other Stay in Goals or let’s connect on HeyFamm – it’s for lgbt people & aligning businesses.

    United States 2026 Legislative Outlook for Transgender Individuals

    LGB w/out the T?


    Axton Mitchell, a trans man with tattoos including "Creation of Adam" on his chest, holding a syringe with the needle cap on. Standing in front of a red shower curtain, shirtless. He is preparing for his fourth consistent testosterone injection, a defiant act of reclamation against queer anticipatory grief.
  • What Am I Outgrowing Survival Mode, & The Strange Grief of Becoming Yourself:

    What Am I Outgrowing Survival Mode, & The Strange Grief of Becoming Yourself:


    Best For:

    Individuals still healing from toxic relationships, adult children unpacking old wounds, people struggling with feeling “behind” in life, people learning to set boundaries, or anyone rebuilding their identity after losing themselves while outgrowing survival mode.

    The Vault:

    • Why survival mode sometimes disguises itself as personality.
    • The grief nobody talks about when you outgrow yourself.
    • Why healing can make you feel behind in life.
    • Signs you may be carrying survival habits you no longer need.
    • What mushrooms, muddy trails, and growth have in common.
    • What moving into a bigger home taught me about making room for myself.
    • Learning the difference between becoming someone new & becoming more yourself.
    • Questions to ask when old versions of you no longer fit.

    Outgrowing Survival Mode & Pieces of You :

    Storia: Future Self Coach the app I use to journal asked me a question the other day that had absolutely no business coming in this hot: “What are you outgrowing?”

    Pause one second. That’s a really personal question for a little digital flower on my phone to get my wheels turning about. If you know me you know I can’t give a simple single lane answer, like Shrek and onions I have layers.

    I couldn’t just keep it short and collect my emotional participation trophy. Instead, I found myself sitting there staring at the screen like I’d just been personally attacked by a houseplant that doubles as a journal.

    The longer I sat with it, the bigger the question became.

    Most of us think about outgrowing obvious stuff that might be a little cliche. We usually land on things like our thought patterns, trends, dead-end jobs, and toxic relationships .

    Maybe old habits if we’re feeling extra fancy in that moment. What we don’t typically do is think about outgrowing ourselves.

    Did you realize the moment you outgrew survival mode, old wounds, or your people-pleasing tendencies?

    I didn’t think so; This is where things got uncomfortable.

    “Sir, you seem to think suffering is part of the admission price for love.”

    I started realizing some of the things I thought were personality traits might’ve actually been three survival habits in a trench coat wearing a fake mustache and trying not to look too obvious.

    What a rude way to wake up.

     Outgrowing Survival Mode: Candid photo of a 17-year-old trans man with shoulder-length dark hair sitting beside a desk with one knee pulled up, holding a cigarette between two fingers and looking toward the camera with a relaxed expression. He wears a gray shirt and green mtn dew pajama pants.

    “I want to be 17 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have a lot of new ideas.”

    Naturally I did what any emotionally responsible adult with Wi-Fi would do: I sat with it, overthought it, wandered into some memories, accidentally found a few hard truths, and somehow ended up questioning whether growth is really becoming somebody new.

    The worst part was, realizing it wasn’t at all wrong.

    Unfortunately.

    Could growth be finally making room for the person you’ve been all along?

    Let’s get into it.


    Survival Wears a Lot of Costumes:

    For a long time I think I confused surviving with living, and surviving wears a lot of disguises. Sometimes survival looks obvious; your friend staying in those relationships too long because she is hoping her effort can save something. What about when you try carrying things that were never yours to bear the weight of. It would seem along the line you learned that loving people meant absorbing damage.

    I don’t know where half of us got these invisible instructions from, but a lot of us seem to walk around with this idea that to deserve love we need to prove how much pain we can tolerate first.

    Real quality life advice there, I mean seriously five stars. I would not recommend.

    The thing is, I don’t even think I realized I was doing it while I was doing it. Does anyone?

    I feel like most of us don’t, at least. You’re inside it while it’s happening, and that places you much too close to the situation to see the full picture. You’re making decisions with the understanding you have at the time, and later on Future You shows up with all this wisdom and acts real judgmental like, “Well obviously…”

    Oh wow.

    Thanks.

    Real helpful now.

    Along the Way I Outgrew the Old Me:

    People talk about outgrowing jobs, relationships, ways-of-thinking, and phases. Yet, they don’t talk enough about outgrowing the emotional things. We seldom hear people be vulnerable and say, “I outgrew the old me.”

    If we’re being totally honest, there is grief there too. A longing for pieces of yourself you thought you left behind hidden just below the surface, lurking and waiting for you to notice its presence.

    Even the version created out of survival is still us. As much as it hurts the you that decided to do the thing you regret the most, is still you. The version who always carried too much or accepting less than he deserves, embarrassing as it is was still me.

    I spent years trying to understand myself while it felt like everybody else had already figured out the assignment. I watched people much younger than me who were building careers, buying houses, finding direction, and walking around acting like they came with factory instructions.

    “Sir, that wasn’t falling behind. That was pruning and you were trying to grow during a drought.”

    Meanwhile I was over here assembling myself out of grief, poetry, trails, unanswered questions, and whatever scraps I could forage.

    It turned out that building yourself is still building something. I eventually just realized it doesn’t come with a graduation ceremony, round of applause, or typical beauty.

    The Call of Nature:

    I swear nature notices things before I do.

    I was up at Flint Ridge recently with Luna after days of heavy rain. The ground was completely soaked. As if the earth had hit capacity and physically could not hold another drop of water.

    Hey rain clouds Mother Earth called and said Ohio has had enough.

    Somehow this local hike I’ve done more than most others is where everything woke up. Mushrooms everywhere,the tiniest growths pushing up through wet ground as if they’d been waiting on exactly that moment. Green everything, soaked in the color of regrowth. Even the Earth outgrows itself.

    Large white mushroom rising from the damp forest floor after heavy rain at Flint Ridge, surrounded by green leaves and fallen branches, symbolizing quiet growth and regrowth.
    “If mushrooms can grow through shit so can you.”

    Now if that ain’t a rude little metaphor.

    Growth does that. Makes you swear you’ve carried too much already, then life says, “Here hold this have some more.” When you’re at your capacity and feel like there’s no room left.

    Yet, more and more things continue to grow there anyway.

    Outgrowing Yourself or Making More Room:

    Funny enough, I’m literally moving right now. Just a few doors down, but the new place is bigger, more space for our lives to actually spread out a little.

    There’s room for my rock garage creative stuff, side endeavors, reading corners, quiet spaces, and Kelsey’s things. Boy oh boy, does Kelsey have a lot of things. There will also be space for Luna to run inside a fence; our kitty boys can run around too. We will be able to exist more freely without everybody feeling stacked on top of each other.

    I keep thinking growth may look a lot like that too.

    Outgrowing yourself doesn’t have to mean becoming somebody new. It doesn’t mean you are throwing away every version of who you were before in the trash can. It’s just the realization you’ve been trying to squish your entire life into spaces that were too small.

    The old versions of us weren’t failures out right or at all. Maybe they were just rooms we eventually grew too big to be in anymore.


    Maybe You’re Not Lost – Final Thoughts:

    After all of this, I think that little flower app owes me an apology or at least some flower. Yes, singular, meaning pass the Mary Jane. That question had entirely too much audacity.

    I started this whole thing thinking I was going to answer a simple prompt, grow my digital flower, and move on with my day. Instead I ended up wandering through survival habits, old versions of myself, grief.

    Close-up of a purple wild iris growing beside a wetland area, with tangled tree branches and green leaves filling the background. Sunlight filters through the trees over the forest floor and water.
    “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anaïs Nin

    Rude.

    Through this I did come to realize outgrowing your old self doesn’t have to mean getting rid of every piece of you.

    I think a lot of us do this on accident and spend years thinking we’re behind everyone else, convinced we missed some grand orientation meeting where people handed out life manuals. Until one day we wake up and realize maybe we weren’t failing. We were just building something different, ourselves.

    Look at all the layers of you buried under survival, guilt, and what you let weigh you down. Did you also think you had to?

    Sir, respectfully, you’ve been calling yourself lost while you were busy growing roots.”

    I’m curious now:

    Is there something you are you outgrowing, you haven’t admitted to yourself yet?

    What habits, relationships, or beliefs started as survival but quietly unpacked their bags and moved into your personality?

    Are there old versions of you that you still carry around? Do you miss the ones you let go, or just miss how they helped you survive?

    Feel free to answer any of these questions in the comments, write your answer in your journal, or sit with it and just think awhile.

    Don’t blame me if a tiny flower app starts calling you out too.


    TLDR:

    Growth is not always dramatic. Sometimes it looks like outgrowing survival habits, old wounds, and versions of you that once kept you safe.

    Many of us mistake coping mechanisms and survival responses for personality traits. We do not always realize it until they stop fitting.

    Feeling “behind” in life does not always mean you failed. You may have been busy building yourself in ways others missed.

    Outgrowing old versions of yourself can hurt even when growth is necessary; healing isn’t a pleasant ride through and through.

    Growth isn’t always becoming a new person. It is also making room for the person you have been all along.

    Ask yourself: What am I outgrowing right now, and what parts of me no longer fit?

    Pink haired man sitting on the edge of airplane rock overlook. Which is overlooking the vast green forest landscape, or Hocking Hills State Forest, he is forming a heart shape with his hands.
    “Enjoy the peak when it comes, but don’t forget to look back at the beautiful valleys you crossed to get there.”

    Read Some More:

    Psychology Today – Chronic Stress & Survival Mode as A Personality Trait

    ShiftGrit – Mourning Versions of Yourself

    Storia -Let’s be Friends on

    Doing Enough a Journal Entry

    Daily Gratitude Journal Entry

  • The Hikers Ultimate Guide to Trail Etiquette:

    The Hikers Ultimate Guide to Trail Etiquette:


    Best For:

    Rookie hikers just discovering the woods have an unwritten rule book, hikers who wish to learn trail culture, Appalachian whimsical wonderers, Leave No Trace learners, content creators navigating shared spaces, and anyone who has ever walked onto a trail and immediately wondered what the rules were.

    Man in pale green shorts, green and orange croc junipers, black T-shirt, and pink hair with a beard exhales smoke from his dab pen towards a woman in black hiking shoes, black shorts, and a blue t-shirt there is a cloud of smoke between them.

    The Vault:

    • Trail etiquette a social contract not a court of law.
    • Safety beats ego, every time.
    • Rules are defaults & not universal laws.
    • Local culture & terrain change things up.
    • Leave No Trace goes far beyond litter.
    • Most trail conflict starts with poor awareness.

    The Unwritten Rule Book:

    Trail etiquette gets talked about online like somebody carved ten new hiking commandments into a stone tablet and dropped them beside a trailhead kiosk. Yield uphill, stay on trail, keep noise down. Pack out your trash, and do not bother wildlife.

    Simple, right?

    Maybe, until you actually go hiking.

    Suddenly you’re standing on a muddy incline while a trail runner appears behind you at concerning speed, somebody’s off-leash dog named Moose believes personal space is a government conspiracy, and a horse is approaching while you’re trying to remember whether you’re supposed to step uphill, downhill, freeze in place, or simply evaporate into the forest.

    This is where things begin coming apart at the seams.

    Trail etiquette isn’t a list of wilderness law; it is closer to environmental science, social awareness, safety, regional culture, physics, and human behavior all crashing together on a sliver of dirt through the woods.

    Man with a beard wears jeans, a black sweater, and a black hat on sits on top of large boulder with the peace sign up.

    The rules matter, though what matters more is understanding why those rules exist and the reality of the never-ending exceptions.

    That is where most new hikers get blindsided. Oh did I mention you have no teacher of the unwritten rule book. There is no mentor to explain the nuance flips either. All while no one has even mentioned to you that tiny fairy houses, Bluetooth speakers, and dog poop bags somehow can become topics capable of launching full-scale outdoor debates.

    So let’s try to fix that.


    The Right‑of‑Way:

    The first thing many hikers learn after they hear of hiking etiquette is that uphill hikers get the right of way.

    The reasoning behind this makes sense, climbing takes more effort. Stopping halfway up a steep incline can destroy rhythm and force somebody to restart momentum with legs that are already questioning their life choices.

    One of the least discussed trail secrets is that uphill hikers are not typically not that annoyed when they get to stop. A lot of times they are actually thrilled.

    You just gave them a socially acceptable excuse to stand still for fifteen seconds or longer and they get to pretend they were “letting you through” instead of negotiating a peace treaty with their lungs.

    Yes, many experienced hikers even joke about this unofficial phenomenon. Someone climbing may make eye contact, smile, step aside, and wave you through. This is what we will call the Oxygen Break Fake-Out.

    Man in black hat, glasses, grey shorts, and black t-shirt sitting on a wooden bench on trail with a brown APBT in front is bare trees. Ultimate hiking guide.

    The move here is simple, just accept the offer, and make sure you say thank you. It is best to keep it moving here; do not create one of those painful wilderness politeness standoffs where both people repeatedly insist the other go first. Y’all sound like middle school girls trying to “no you hangup” their first boyfriends to death.

    We are definitely not getting any younger and this is slowly aging us in real time.

    This rule flips in more serious ways too. Let me paint you an image, I want you to imagine that someone descending has a heavy overnight pack. Now add in some wet roots, mud, loose gravel, or even narrow footing.

    Stopping suddenly for this hiker is not a small inconvenience. When you wear a heavy pack your center of gravity changes, as does your momentum. Your knees will suddenly begin filing complaints with upper management, they might even call Human Resources.

    The move is always safety first.

    Trail etiquette exists to reduce problems, not create them. Nobody receives a trophy for technically following right-of-way while sliding sideways into a bush or by demanding they be let go first since they are moving up hill yet you’re wearing a pack double your weight.


    The Multi‑Use Trail Matrix:

    Shared-use trails create some of the biggest instances of confusion in hiking culture. Now we are incorporating multiple forms of movement, speed, and trail use that are all trying to occupy the same space.

    Textbook rules usually simplify things by saying mountain bikes yield to hikers, and hikers and bikes yield to horses. On paper, of course that sounds clean, organized, and easy to memorize. In reality, trails are not flat sidewalks, and once terrain enters the equation, things become much more complicated.

    Mountain bikes create one of the biggest areas of confusion because many hikers assume a bike can simply stop the second another person appears ahead. Yet the truth is that technical trail riding does not always work in that manner. Riders may be descending steep grades while navigating exposed roots, loose gravel, muddy switchbacks, narrow corridors, blind turns, or rock gardens with limited visibility.

    Did you know that on difficult terrain, suddenly braking when riding a mountain bike, is not always a simple action? Locking your brakes can cause skidding, damage the trail surface, destroyed traction, or even end up sending the riders over the handlebars.

    That does not suddenly mean mountain bikers own the trail or that hikers should launch themselves into nearby vegetation every time a set of handlebars appear in the distance. This just means that physics occasionally changes the conversations we have.

    The move here is predictability. If durable ground or a safe place to stand exists nearby, make your movement obvious and early rather than waiting until the last second and making a panic decision. One of the fastest ways to create confusion is when both people suddenly begin trying to guess what the other person intends to do.

    Hikers sidestep.

    Riders adjust.

    Then hikers readjust.

    Clear blue skies and leaf bare trees behind a Caucasian man in a black hat with a brown thermal long sleeved shirt.

    Suddenly everyone is performing an accidental wilderness dance routine nobody agreed to participate in. Making a clear movement creates less confusion and often times less risk.

    Horses:

    Horse etiquette somehow gets even messier because many hikers hear one repeated instruction over and over: always step downhill.

    People repeat it like it’s a sacred wilderness law, but experienced riders will often tell you the same thing instead, just ask first. Horses are prey animals, and different horses react differently to people, gear, movement, dogs, and other surroundings.

    When one horse may want you uphill where it can clearly see you; the next horse may prefer you to stay downhill. Some horses calm down if you speak so they recognize you as a person, while others react better to stillness and space.

    The move with horses is simple and easy, you just let the rider guide the interaction. The riders typically understand their horse’s behavior better than a generalized sign or internet rule ever could. While horses are incredible animals, they are also fully capable of deciding that trekking poles, backpacks, rain jackets, or the wrong leaf moving in the wind are evidence of woodland sorcery.

    Respecting the rider’s instructions creates safer interactions for everyone involved.


    Groups & the Ego vs Eco Debate:

    Large groups change the trail experience in ways many hikers do not immediately think about. Most people notice the obvious differences first: more voices, more footsteps, and a larger physical presence moving through the woods.

    These groups also create larger social and environmental footprints. This is where trail etiquette starts becoming more complicated than simply asking who should step aside.

    The textbook version of trail etiquette usually says larger groups should yield to solo hikers or smaller parties. This reasoning seems straightforward, one organized unit moving together should theoretically have an easier time making space than forcing a single person to weave through a moving train of people, trekking poles, backpacks, and canine companions.

    Man in grey tank top and khaki shorts sits ontop of a concrete square opening to the tunnel “Hell hole” Columbus.

    It sounds efficient, maybe even polite. Reality tends to be much messier.

    Imagine you’re on a narrow trail cutting through wildflowers, soft soil, moss, or fragile vegetation. If a group of twelve hikers all step off trail at once so one person can pass, what initially looks like good etiquette can accidentally create environmental damage.

    Trails do not suddenly widen overnight. Trail widening usually begins through repeated small moments exactly like this. All it takes is one boot that leaves the hardened path, then another, and another.

    Over time, these tiny destructive decisions repeated hundreds of times create entirely new paths where none were meant to exist.

    Suddenly the question changes. Instead of asking, Who should move? We should be asking, What creates the least impact?

    In some situations, one solo hiker stepping onto a large rock, gravel patch, or durable surface creates far less environmental disturbance than moving an entire group off the trail. What initially looked like breaking etiquette can actually become the more responsible and future friendly choice for nature.

    This becomes even more noticeable with school groups, youth programs, guided hikes, and even scout troops. These large organized groups do not always move with the same awareness or flexibility as smaller hiking parties. Their leaders may be managing younger hikers, keeping people together, monitoring safety, or making sure nobody accidentally disappears down the wrong trail because they saw an interesting mushroom fifteen feet into the woods. In these situations, forcing a complicated passing situation may create confusion for everyone involved.

    Nelson-Kennedy Ledges, August 2025
    Nelson Kennedy Ledges Summer 2025

    The move here is understanding that etiquette is not about ego, proving who technically has the right-of-way, or who has more claim to the trail at a given moment.

    The goal is and should always be minimizing impact while keeping movement safe and manageable. Sometimes that means the group shifts, other times the solo hiker moves, and others still have everyone pause for a few seconds and use their common sense.

    Once enough people enter the equation, etiquette quietly stops becoming a traffic rule and starts becoming environmental math.


    The Sonic Landscape:

    There are very few topics on trails that can create an argument faster than the talk surrounding noise pollution. Obviously people go into nature for wildly different reasons, and these reasons shape how they experience sound in the outdoors.

    Some people hike for silence because they are trying to disconnect from work, notifications, traffic, and the endless background noise that follows modern life everywhere else. Other people watch birds while listening for their specific calls and movement. A lot of people are processing grief, mental health, hardships, stress, or major life events. Then there are those who just want to hear wind through trees or water moving over rock without interruption.

    For many hikers, the natural soundscape itself is part of the destination, and your music is ruining it, honestly.

    That is exactly why the Bluetooth speaker debate starts dumpster fires in hiking communities almost immediately. To one person, low-volume music during a hike may feel harmless. Yet the next person asked , may not agree. They say it can feel like somebody unexpectedly dragged them out of the woods and back where they didn’t want to be.

    The frustration often is not just the sound itself. It is that one person’s choices suddenly alter the atmosphere for everyone else sharing the space. It is also overwhelming or even overstimulating for neurodivergent people who may feel like this is the only place they can exist without the overstimulation.

    Reality complicates this too because silence is not universally safer. In areas with dense vegetation, limited visibility, or large wildlife populations, hikers sometimes intentionally make noise.

    Man I’m socks, sandals, bright blue short, black t-shirt, and black square glasses stanfds under a recess cave in NC.

    In bear country, for instance people may call out, talk regularly, clap occasionally, sing the entire trail over but not carry a tune or even announce their presence so wildlife hears them long before an encounter happens. Surprising large animals at close range can create dangerous situations, so sound becomes a safety tool rather than a disturbance. Context changes everything.

    The move here is awareness rather than absolute rules, like we have seen in most cases with trail etiquette.

    Understand where you are, who is around you, and what purpose sound is serving. Safety noise and personal entertainment are not the same thing automatically, though they can be. One earbud, bone-conduction headphones, or lowering volume around others often become middle-ground solutions because they allow people to enjoy audio without turning the trail into a moving soundtrack nobody else agreed to join.


    Four-Legged Chaos:

    Dog conversations on trails also are known for becoming emotional quickly since most everyone seems to believe their situation is the exception. Most dog owners genuinely love their animals as well as seeing them as companions, family members, and trail partners. That part all understandable. The problems begin when personal familiarity starts replacing situational awareness.

    Brown & White APBT sits on a Wooden armchair in Granville, Ohio at Spring Valley Nature Preserve - Bully Breeds

    Almost every regular hiker has heard some version of the phrase: “Don’t worry, my dog is friendly.” The issue is that friendly does not automatically equal appropriate. Friendly dogs are still known to jump on people, run ahead around blind turns, chase wildlife, startle children, approach reactive dogs, and create stressful situations for strangers. The dog owner understands the dog’s personality. The stranger does not and the reactive dog doesn’t have to stay home because you’re not willing to be considerate of everyone else (including your dog).

    This creates one of hiking culture’s biggest disconnects because people often interpret hesitation personally. Someone stepping away from a dog may not dislike dogs at all. They may have allergies, trauma, cultural differences, fear from previous experiences, or simply not want interaction.

    Etiquette becomes less about whether a dog means well and more about recognizing that strangers did not consent to the interaction.

    There is also the mystery of dog waste bags. Somehow trail systems across the world developed a strange phenomenon where people bag dog waste, carry it briefly, and then typically they will leave colorful little plastic packages beside trails intending to retrieve them later.

    Luna the Red-Nosed American Pitbull smiling and standing in the stream at Indian Falls in Dublin, Ohio

    Some absolutely do come back for them, others forget, and the rest may even leave them on purpose. Either way, hikers collectively seem united on one thing: nobody enjoys finding surprise poop ornaments decorating the forest floor.


    Trail Runners & Surprise Encounters:

    Trail runners and hikers can occasionally operate like two neighboring countries with different customs trying to share the same roads. Neither group is inherently wrong, but their movement styles create very different expectations.

    Hikers often settle into slower rhythms. They stop for photos, look at plants, examine mushrooms, pause at overlooks, and maybe even smoke some devils lettuce. Trail runners move differently, usually working to build momentum, maintain pace, and often cover ground quickly.

    Caucasian man shirtless and tattooed sits on a large rock in a cave located in red river gorge Powell county Ky

    This difference creates one of the most common surprise encounters on trails: sudden passing situations. Many hikers can think of Calista one instance that the experience of quietly enjoying a trail only to hear “on your left” from somewhere directly behind them moments before a runner appears. It removes approximately six months from a person’s life expectancy in the moment.

    Most of the tension here is not actually about speed, but exists in the surprise. Humans generally dislike unexpected movement entering personal space, especially in environments where awareness is focused ahead rather than behind. Runners sometimes feel frustration when hikers wear headphones or block trail flow. Hikers complain they sometimes feel startled or rushed. However, both trail experiences can exist at once.

    Good etiquette here is surprisingly simple. Runners benefit from announcing themselves early and slowing slightly when approaching crowded or narrow sections. Hikers help by remaining predictable and allowing space when possible. Nobody needs to leap into vegetation or perform emergency evasive maneuvers. Shared movement works best when people stop treating every pass like a tactical military operation.


    Content Creator Etiquette:

    Modern trails are now increasingly including individuals with cameras, tripods, drones, phones, action cams, and creators who document outdoor experiences. Hiking and content creation now overlap constantly, which means entirely new etiquette questions have appeared alongside them. Years ago people argued about dogs and speakers. Now people argue about filming, staging shots, and whether a trail overlook can temporarily become somebody’s production set.

    Most people do not care if someone stops for a quick photo. The tension usually begins when content creation starts changing the experience around other people. We see that when tripods are left blocking narrow sections, repeated takes occupying popular viewpoints make a bottleneck in trail movement, stepping into fragile vegetation for better angles, flying drones in areas where they disturb wildlife, and more visitors can quickly create frustration.

    Caucasian man with pink hair, square black sunglasses, a black tank top and facial piercings stands in a lush green forest.

    The issue usually is not documentation itself. It is scale and impact. There is a major difference between capturing your experience and unintentionally turning shared spaces into temporary film sets. Most conflicts happen when people stop noticing how much space they are taking up physically or socially.

    The move is actually simple, create with awareness, take all the photos you need, record your memories, document the experiences, but please also remember the trail remains a shared space before it becomes content.


    The Artifact Problem:

    Tiny objects somehow create enormous arguments in outdoor communities. Fairy houses, painted rocks, hidden trinkets, tiny doors attached to trees, tree carvings, trail signs vandalized with permanent markers, memorial decorations, and miniature woodland surprises tend to divide hikers almost immediately. Some people see joy, creativity, and community. Others see clutter, future litter, and a lack of care.

    The reason these debates become so intense is because they sit directly in the middle of one of hiking culture’s oldest tensions: human expression versus preserving wild spaces. Leave No Trace principles generally discourage introducing objects into nature because individual actions repeated over time create cumulative impact. One tiny object becomes ten. Ten become fifty. Suddenly an area begins changing.

    Dundee Falls Trail Tree carving

    Neither reaction appears from nowhere. The person who finds wonder in a tiny fairy tucked into a tree and the person who finds feelings of frustration about human additions entering wild places can both genuinely care about nature. They simply envision different relationships with it.

    Somehow, against all logic, tiny woodland decorations repeatedly become capable of launching full-scale debates with enough energy to sustain hiking forums for weeks.


    Appalachia & Regional Trail Culture:

    Trail etiquette changes depending on where you hike because trails develop cultures just like communities do. Appalachia especially carries its own personality. Hiking through parts of the Appalachian region often feels different from heavily trafficked parks or fast-moving outdoor destinations because there is a stronger social culture woven into many trail systems.

    We even tend to greet strangers more frequently, having full conversations at overlooks, and passing information about trail conditions happens casually.

    light purple haired tattooed man stands in knee deep blue green water in the pool of a small slot canyon waterfall, shirtless in green shorts surrounded by cliff walls

    Someone may tell you about a washed-out section ahead, ask where you are from, or warn you about a snake near the next bend. There can be a stronger feeling that trails operate as shared community space rather than simply routes from point A to point B.

    That does not mean everyone wants long conversations or that every Appalachian trail magically becomes a family reunion. Still local culture matters. Trail etiquette is not only rules and environmental guidance; It is also learning the social languages of the locals in these places.

    The mountains, like people, tend to have personalities of their own.


    Feral Hikers Etiquette:

    The biggest misunderstanding about trail etiquette is believing it is about memorizing strict locked in rules. People often want one-hindered prevent answers because they feel easier. The truth is that the trails rarely operate that neatly once terrain, weather, wildlife, safety, and actual humans enter the equation.

    The deeper you get into hiking culture, the more obvious it becomes that etiquette is really about awareness, safety, and common sense.

    Pink haired Caucasian man in a black hoodie and tan book bag standing in front of a waterfall at rockmill near Lancaster, Ohio.

    What impact are you having on the trail beneath your feet? What effects do your actions have on the wildlife?

    Do your actions have an impact on the other hikers sharing the trails with you?

    Most of the time, if you can answer those questions honestly, the rest of the puzzle just sort of solves itself.


    TLDR:

    Trail etiquette is less about memorizing rules and more about understanding why those rules exist. Trails snd terrain can change constantly, so safety, common sense, and knowledgeable hikers find the fixed answer quickly.

    Many trail rules have exceptions and are not set in stone, people however, rarely explain these facts. The polite move and the safest or lowest-impact move are not always going to be the same thing.

    Most etiquette problems come down to awareness. Protect the trail, respect shared spaces, and try not to become the person accidentally starting a Bluetooth speaker or an off-leash dog civil war on a switchback.

    Two dark haired people in dark colored shirts and glasses stand in front of a waterfall in Munising, Michigan.

    Keep Learning:

    National Park Service – Hiking Etiquette/ Staying Safe/ Types of Trails

    Sustainable Hiking Tree Carvings


  • A Daily Gratitude Journal Entry – Storia

    A Daily Gratitude Journal Entry – Storia


    Best For:

    Individuals who like to read emotional journal entries, people struggling through finding their identity, and daily journal entry enthusiasts.

    The Vault:

    • Emotional themes: identity, transition, healing, self-acceptance, gratitude, trauma recovery, and personal growth.
    • Reflections on: outgrowing fear, people-pleasing, internalized shame, and harmful relationship patterns.
    • Discussion of: gender identity and the experience of choosing authenticity over invisibility.
    • Exploration of: self-worth, healing from emotional abuse, and redefining what safety and love should look like.
    • Best read when: you have space for heavier reflection and honest conversations with yourself.

    How We Got Here:

    I try and honestly sometimes fail at keeping a daily journal. I love the Storia app though. With this iOS only app you can grow plants with daily streaks, create interconnected journals entries, as well as share community journal entries , and create multiple themed journals. Sometimes a journal prompt exists and you know that it needs to be shared. This was one of them.

    Storia Daily Journal Entry Prompt: What parts of you are you grateful you out grew?

    The Journal Entry:

    I’m glad I outgrew a lot of different things. One of the parts I am most glad to have cut ties with is the part of me that hid my want to transition.

    For years, that version of me treated my own truth like a secret to protect other people from.

    I swallowed words mid-sentence.

    Pre transition photo of Axton in mirror holding a cell phone and wearing a blue t-shirt.

    I laughed along when assumptions were made about me.

    I let the world see a shape instead of a person.

    I’m glad he finally got tired of living in her shadow.

    I’m glad he realized that hiding isn’t protection and it’s actually a slower kind of disappearing a much more terminal pain.

    Outgrowing her meant choosing to be seen, even when my hands were shaking.

    Along with that I am also glad I outgrew the part of me that was concerned with how people would or do view me and my transition.

    That part of me tried to build a prison out of other people’s opinions.

    I ritualized checking every mirror for disapproval.

    I edited myself before anyone even asked a question.

    Letting her go didn’t happen all at once.

    It happened in small rebellions: wearing what I wanted, speaking without apologizing first, staying quiet when I used to over-explain.

    I don’t need or wish to be viewed comfortably anymore. I need to be viewed truly.

    And I’m glad.

    Deeply, Painfully, Gratefully.

    I finally outgrew the part of me that accepted abuse because I thought I deserved it, sometimes I felt I was deserving of worse.

    That is the part of me that breaks my heart to remember.

    He took cruelty as proof.

    He confused endurance with love.

    He thought that if he just absorbed enough pain, someone would finally stay.

    No one should have to earn safety. No one should have to prove they’re worthy of kindness.

    Man in black t-shirt and grey shorts sits on a wooden bench with a brown and white American pit bull terrier in the bare trees and fall leaves.

    Outgrowing him wasn’t graceful.

    It was leaving a room I should never have been in. It was learning that the voice that said “you had it coming” was never mine to listen to.

    It was the most harmful echo I’d learned to repeat.

    I don’t miss any of those versions of me. I don’t hate them either. They were doing their best with what they knew.

    What they didn’t know yet was this: I was always meant to grow past them. Every single one and honestly I hope more.

    I mean after all life isn’t about being stagnant.


    Self-Acceptance

    My journey to embrace my true self, shedding the layers that once confined me, speaks volumes to me regarding my level of courage.

    This also highlights my profound commitment to authenticity. The facade I maintained to protect others from my truth, even at the cost of my own visibility, reveals a deep-rooted strength and care for others, yet a simultaneous neglect for my own needs.

    This evolution towards honest self-expression, away from societal expectations or assumed norms, showcases not just personal growth but an emerging confidence to claim my space in the world.

    The painful, yet liberating process of letting go of the parts of me that once accepted mistreatment as a norm suggests a significant shift in my self-worth and understanding of love.

    Pink haired man in glasses and black t-shirt stands in front of a lush wooded area and flowing waterfall.

    Moving forward, I want to channel this newfound appreciation for my authentic self into small acts of rebellion. This could be by wearing something that feels uniquely me, sharing my thoughts in a setting where I might have held back before, a new outfit to a new hairstyle, or even a new hobby.

    Each one serves as a gentle reminder of my right to be seen and heard. Never again for how comfortably I fit into the world, but for how true I am within it.


    TLDR:

    This Storia journal prompt unexpectedly turned into a reflection on the versions of myself I had to outgrow to survive and become whole.

    From hiding my transition and living for other people’s comfort to accepting treatment I never deserved, this entry explores grief, growth, and the difficult process of choosing authenticity.

    Growth was not graceful, but I am grateful for every version of me that carried me here, and every version I still have left to become.


    Take this a step further:

    Be my homie on Storia

    A Mother’s Day Journal Entry


  • Success Reclaimed – Doing Enough the Overlooked Radical Victory

    Success Reclaimed – Doing Enough the Overlooked Radical Victory


    Best for:
    Exhausted lower and middle class professionals on the steady grind, indie creative people constantly fighting algorithms, and the burnt-out friends managing high-stakes interpersonal relationships.


    The Vault

    • The mechanical failure of the moving goalpost in professional and personal growth.
    • Distinguishing your physical capacity from the toxic “requirements” of modern culture.
    • Reclaiming the Default to Zero mindset to celebrate every authentic action.
    • Addressing the “Celebration Deficit” formed by unrealistic metrics and corporate retaliation.

    “Just because you could be doing more doesn’t mean you have not done enough.”

    A Night Shift Epiphany:

    I was at work the other night, when I was reminded of an overlooked radical victory we should all try to focus on more. This was also my third night shift of four, back-to-back. Not to mention it was also my longest shift of the week, a 16-hour true-double. These long marathon-like shifts typically leave me feeling more like a well-oiled machine than anything close to resembling a human.

    We had just finished the midnight bed-checks, I took my seat and opened my phone. I was scrolling through TikTok one-hundred percent focused on killing a little time and trying to keep myself slightly entertained until the next time I was needed for assistance.

    I was just scrolling away, and I flicked right past the video as I heard a woman claiming she had a quote that would change the listener’s life for the better, through positive thinking.

    Though, if we are being honest, my immediate internal reaction was a cynical “yeah, right,” I think I even scoffed out loud.

    I did, obviously scroll back just to see what the “great” quote was, and the words she shared actually stopped me in my tracks.

    “Just because you could be doing more doesn’t mean you have not done enough.”

    She proceeded to smile and say something to the effect of “You heard me, in all you come to do stop looking at what you didn’t do, look at what you were able to do.”

    Those few seconds and couple of sentences exposed the lie we are all living willingly, in almost an instant. These days we find ourselves often stuck in a world that is always expecting more…

    More access to us,

    more content,

    more authentic views into our private lives,

    more time,

    and even more productivity.

    Whether it is a corporations internal management team expecting us to bridge their staffing gaps or a friend giving us a look that resembles our childhood dog’s droopy puppy-like eyes. We are constantly guilt-tripped both as a manipulative tactic and on accident.

    Consider this:

    What happens though, when we have nothing more to give?

    Is the pressure to fulfill someone else’s need out of fear of being replaced still just as relentless?

    My POV:

    I for one feel that it is good to be reminded that whatever we offer, even the days we find ourselves able to offer nothing, choosing to prioritize our own mental health, still ensures we win.

    Doing something at all is a feat in itself when navigating a world full of people who appear kin to the birds screaming “mine” in “Finding Nemo.” This is the only way to do more for ourselves than to simply survive.


    External Pressure:

    The external voices demanding more usually start by turning our boundaries into obstacles, creating a landscape of expectation that is impossible to satisfy.

    These seekers of the never-ending more in our lives show up in personal, professional, and creative avenues more often than others at least when I consider my own lives experiences.

    The “More, More, More” People:

    • Interpersonal: These are the specific people who always have one more request. You know the moment you give an inch, and they appear to turn their sad puppy eyes towards you while they give you “the look.” Or worse an obviously not authentic sob story.
    • Corporate: Manifesting as our managers that treat extra shifts as the baseline. Then they turn around and attempt to punish employees who have the audacity to take our earned and scheduled time off.
    • Creative: For the indie creative individuals, it is the algorithm’s ever-changing rules breathing down our backs, demanding high-volume content just to grow visibility.

    Comparison Distortion & Privilege:

    We often judge ourselves when we show up. Then we double down and compare our outcome or actions with how someone else did. No matter the instance, the someone else most likely has a completely different ability and set of privileges than our own.

    When it comes to algorithms, others may also be using paid promotions or are simply more favored by the algorithm’s bias over queer, advocacy, and community-forward things in my case. In the workforce, our supervisors can feed this by comparing employees to each other when you do not agree to give them more of your free time.

    Hocking Hills State Park, Ohio Caucasian man wearing a graphic multi color t-shirt, checkerboard black and white backpack straps showing in front of iconic Hocking Hills waterfall green pool and sandstone cliffs showing in the background. Expressing overlook radical victory.

    The Internal Trap:

    When the external pressure is loud enough for a long enough period of time, it creates an internal identity crisis that rots our self- perspective.

    • Interpersonally: There is a haunting fear that if we stop going outside of your ability for people, we will lose our value to them. I’m not sure when, but we have started to view us not being able to fix the problems of our friends as a moral failure.
    • Corporately: We internalize the toxic way management speaks as if we are the cause of their staffing issues, taking the blame for their lack of communication.
    • Creative: Indie folks see this turn into feeling like our creations aren’t worthy of being sold because the algorithms favor the replaceable high-volume creators over the authentic voice.

    The Mechanical Failures of Logic:

    The logic of the never-ending more is fundamentally broken because it relies on shifting targets and impossible standards.

    The Moving Goalpost Trap:

    Meeting a social requirement usually only leads to the expectation that we will immediately jump higher. In the corporate world, taking on extra days only leads to management treating our extra-work as the new permanent baseline. The moment you need your scheduled time back, you are treated as a burden.

    Capacity vs. Requirement:

    We have to work at recognizing that our capacity to answer a noon text when we work third shift later that night doesn’t mean the relationship requires it. There needs to be a clear gap between what each of us can take on mentally and what we are unwilling to budge on for our own safety.


    The Threshold of Diminishing Returns:

    Eventually, over-thinking and over-giving both typically start to cause friction in our minds and lives. This threshold is where our improvements stop and our sanity breaks.

    The Myth of the Final State:

    Reclaiming our own lives requires accepting that there is no final state where any of us have done it all.

    • Relationships: These are daily practice rituals, not a level we can beat.
    • Corporations: Management often uses empty threats; it is not a reflection of your work ethic.
    • Algorithms: The biased algorithm will never be 100% accurate or responsive in the way we want always.

    The Path to Being Enough:

    The Default to Zero Mindset:

    We need to work at resetting our expectations so that a simple check-in is seen more like a radical overlooked victory.

    Our work ethics are a direct reflection of the work we do that is required, not what a manager says when we tell them “not this time, pal.”

    The Devaluation of Completion:

    We must acknowledge and celebrate that we show up consistently. Clocking out after a shift and enjoying ourselves and our freedom from the man is a victory we all should relish in more often.


    TLDR:

    In a world addicted to the never-ending more, doing enough is a radical success.

    Whether you are finishing a 16-hour shift or an indie creative project, our value is defined by our boundaries, not our output volume.


    Further Reading:

    Work place strategies for mental health

    Reddit- the algorithm won’t build your brand people will

    A poem about being the mirror of others


  • Mother’s Day Grief- A Digital Haunting & Legacy Loss

    Mother’s Day Grief- A Digital Haunting & Legacy Loss


    Best for:

    Adult orphans, individuals navigating holiday triggers after loss, bereaved children of the digital age, and ex-pats searching for home.


    The Vault:

    • The Six-Month Wall: Why the half-year mark post-loss is a uniquely vulnerable period for the bereaved.
    • Algorithmic Cruelty: The psychological impact of inescapable retail marketing on grieving individuals.
    • Polish Lineage: Connecting the dots between a Mother’s Day loss and a grandfather’s May 10th birthday.
    • Movement as Medicine: Utilizing hiking as a functional tool to process stagnant emotional weight.

    Another Season of Grief:

    The end of April and the start of May often bring with them a specific kind of atmospheric pressure. If you’ve experienced this you know it has nothing to do with weather. Yet those of us unfortunate orphaned adult-children navigating Mother’s Day grief and the digital haunting of an inescapable connected world, know that this season of grief is less about bouquets and more about survival.

    This journal explores the actual life experiences and the tolls that come from experiencing first’s after parent loss. It is a look at the specific gut-punch that the grueling six-month marker leaves after a loss and, the real frustration caused by a capitalistic landscape that, until recently, offered no exit ramp for the grieving.

    By unpacking the many layers of family, loss, and the specific sting of my grandfather’s birthday falling in the same week as Mother’s Day brings, we can figure out what works to help us move through the stagnant air of loss and towards the restorative spaces that bring each of us peace.


    The Six-Month Wall & a Digital Haunting:

    In May 2022, I hit a invisible wall. I was almost exactly six months out from losing my mom. The date that changed my life was November the 8th, 2021. This timeframe acted as a brutal sweet spot where the initial shock had evaporated. In its wake it left behind a cold, permanent reality. It was during this window, that the Mother’s Day grief and the digital haunting began in earnest.

    The inbox of every email address I used became a minefield. DoorDash, Etsy, Amazon, Temu, and many others were relentless with their Mother’s Day marketed emails.

    Dad, Mom, and Me. In 2004. Bridge Street Middle School 6th grade Family Night

    I can feel the sensations still as if my memory is my current reality; I feel the physical sensation and, then I have to stop myself from questioning if it is really happening.

    I can feel my chest tighten.

    I remember how I could feel the mechanical and biological systems of my lungs working; I knew I was breathing.

    Yet, the air felt like it wasn’t working to fill my lungs adequately enough to get half of a breath.

    It goes without saying but, I still will mention that I emailed these companies, multiple times. I was doing the internets equivalent of begging on my knees for them to find a way to exclude people who had lost their parents among other things from these marketing campaigns.

    However, back in 2022, the opt-out feature I was finally able to utilize this year, was not something they had developed. Self-sabotage or some other kind of twisted form of psychological self harm made these emails feel a magnetized.

    My need to read them was bordering on masochistic, as I couldn’t just ignore even one notification. If the algorithm was going to torture me, I should at least witness it. I at least owe my mom the suffering it caused me as a gift; do I not?


    Warwood West Virginia- Polish Songs, Family Homes, & My Cultural Roots:

    The weight of the first Mother’s Day without my mom is worsened by its proximity to May 10th, my Judji’s (grandfather’s) birthday.

    This date acts as a mental bridge or reminder back to an old Victorian house in Warwood, West Virginia. A place that contained a set of heavy pocket doors my childhood body could barely will to move, smells of cabbage rolls or that days soup cooking, and the sounds of my multi- generational family singing songs in Polish.

    We were a loop of the same DNA; I look very close to identical to my mom, who looked even closer to exactly like her grandmother, Butchie.

    Judji was the small town’s gatekeeper of culture in his own way. He began running a VHS rental out of the house with a handwritten ledger. If you didn’t return his movie to that Victorian on 17th Street, you couldn’t rent another. He continued this system all the way through 2 other homes on 17th street still, and an apartment at Garden Park Towers.

    Caucasian woman with light brown curly hair tied back sticks her tongue out pretending to lick her child’s face child has dark brown hair and a white onesie on

    These memories are part of the antidote to my Mother’s Day grief and the digital haunting that tries to flatten our parents into marketing demographics. My mom wasn’t a receiver of the unthoughtful Mother’s Day Catalog gifts; I couldn’t disrespect the woman who knew I was lying as soon as she saw my hives each time I snuck orange juice and chocolate, or the daughter of a man with a “Jason” mask on the basement door like that.


    Breaking the Stagnancy Through Movement:

    When the grief feels like it’s going to sit on your chest endlessly, the only solution I have found that works for me is to change my scenery. My mom and I shared a deep love for the outdoors, I’ve turned the trail into my cathedral.

    • The Memorial Hike: I choose a path we walked together, one she mentioned wanting to try, or I simply try to notice little things she would have pointed out on trail.
    • Active Remembering: Taking the body she gave me, putting it into motion the way she showed me in nature, and remembering why I go outside.
    • The Digital Mute: Leaving the “hammering” of the inbox behind for the silence of the trees.

    By the time I reach the overlook, turnaround spot, or end of the loop, the tightness in my chest is a thing of the past. The movement doesn’t erase the loss, but it proves that I am still capable of moving forward while honoring our bond.

    Navigating Mother’s Day grief and the digital haunting of modern life requires more than just “getting through it.” it requires a conscious reclamation of the day for me, at least.

    Whether it’s through the memory of a grandfather’s VHS ledger in West Virginia or a steep climb in the woods, we survive by keeping the legacy in motion. We are the living evidence of the people we’ve lost, and as long as we keep moving to honor their memory their stories don’t have to stay stagnant inside us.


    TLDR:

    When the six-month wall of grief hits, and retailers hammer your inbox with Mother’s Day ads you can’t mute, the air gets thin and my chest tight. By connecting the holiday to the deeper family legacy of a grandfather’s May 10th birthday and hitting the hiking trails, we can transform a stagnant, digital haunting into a physical, honoring movement.


  • The Echoes of Gunfire; 56-Year Fall- Kent State to our New Normal

    The Echoes of Gunfire; 56-Year Fall- Kent State to our New Normal


    Best For:

    Individuals sick of the “mass shooting at a school” headline, advocacy groups, investigative journalists, seekers of change in legislation, and survivors of institutional failure.


    The Vault:

    The Predator Paradox: Proponents of arming staff ignore that educators already run the risk of being part of a demographic with documented rates of physical and sexual misconduct against minors.

    The Myth: Research confirms media does not cause mass shootings; Japan and South Korea typically consume more violent media than the U.S. Yet, they have near-zero school shooting incidents.

    Security Theater Failure: Since Columbine, billions of dollars have been spent on bulletproof glass and clear backpacks, yet the shooting rate has quadrupled. Hardening works against outsiders, but it is useless against the “insider” student.


    The United States #1 Issue:

    We have spent way too many years pretending that the solution to school violence is a matter of architecture and armor. Since the gunfire stopped raining down on the commons at Kent State, the national response has somehow devolved into a multi-billion dollar “Security Theater.” This treats the children of this country like targets and our schools like bunkers inside the modern day war zone.

    To truly honor the history of this day, we must look just beyond the metal detectors and armed resource officers to confront the uncomfortable, systemic rot just below the surface.

    This journal is a deep dive into the data of school shootings from 1970 to 2026. I am aiming at shedding light on why arming teachers is a predator’s dream, tactical “hardening” fails against the insider shooter, and how the only true path to safety lies in a radical new era of parental accountability and behavioral intervention.


    Kent State – 1970:

    Fifty-six years ago, on May 4, 1970, the world stood still. Four students at Kent State University all unarmed, protesting, and seeking a voice, were shot dead by the Ohio National Guard. It was a moment of national fracture that triggered the only nationwide student strike in U.S. history.

    Today, is Monday, May 4, 2026, and the United States citizens no longer stop when our news outlets show a new school shooting in the headlines. We live in a landscape where the “shock” of school violence has been replaced by a grim, repetitive statistical drumbeat.

    We have moved from a society horrified by a near singular tragedy to one that is increasingly callous, disconnected, and armored against the next inevitable headline. For an Ohioan today, “May the Fourth” isn’t a sci-fi celebration; it’s an anniversary of blood on concrete and a reminder that for over half a century, the target has simply moved from university activists to now include all levels of education including toddlers in preschools.


    In Memoriam – The Kent State Four and the Wounded:

    At 12:24 p.m. today, the Victory Bell rang at the Kent State Commons. We do not just honor a date; we honor students who were robbed of their futures by the very authority figures tasked with their safety.

    • Allison Krause (19): An honors student who believed “Flowers are better than bullets.
    • Jeffrey Miller (20): Instantly lost his life, while standing over 250 feet away from the Guard line.
    • Sandra Scheuer (20): An honors student walking to a speech therapy class; she wasn’t even part of the protest.
    • William Schroeder (19): An Eagle Scout and ROTC student caught in the crossfire while walking between classes.

    We also remember the survivors:

    Alan Canfora, John Cleary, Thomas Grace, Dean Kahler (paralyzed), Joseph Lewis, Donald Mackenzie, James Russell, Robert Stamps, and Douglas Wrentmore. Their lives were some of the first pieces of evidence from a system that chooses tactical escalation over the preservation of student life.


    The Evolution of the Target:

    The scope of this crisis is now the growing death and destruction total. In 1970, mass violence on campus was a political anomaly.

    As of April 30th, 2026, there have already been 134 mass shootings in the U.S. this year a violent epidemic that bleeds directly into our classrooms. In 2025, there were 233 K-12 incidents and 64 higher education shootings.

    The callousness setting into our national psyche is a survival mechanism against an explosion of the frequency in school shootings, We have normalized the idea that a child in school needs a bulletproof insert in their backpack. This is the same progressive rot moving through every level of education.

    While the demographics of perpetrators are always shifting with university shooters often being older and motivated by different grievances; the mechanical failure is identical: the presence of a firearm where it should never have been.


    The Myth of the Screen vs. the Reality of a Lock:

    Blaming violence in video games, books, movies, or other violent media is a 56-year-old deflection. The facts around the causes has remained the same: there is no causal link between media and criminal violence.

    If you look at countries like Japan and South Korea who consume more violent media than the U.S. but have near-zero school shootings. You see the variable actually exists when you look at the reality of the unsecured firearm.

    Roughly 80% of K-12 shooters obtain the weapons they go on to use in school shootings from the home they live in or the home of a family member. This is a fundamental breach of the expectations that exists inside the parent-child relationship. The parent is supposed to be fully responsible for their child’s safety.

    If a gun case is locked but a child knows where the key is, or if the safe lacks multi-point biometric logs, that lock might as well not exist. To suggest a child doesn’t know how to use a key is a lethal misunderstanding. The year 2026 seems to be one that aims to mark a turning point where “parental neglect” in school shootings is being reclassified as Second-Degree Murder.

    Charging parents who are “willfully blind” to their child’s crisis and access to firearms as seen in the landmark cases in Michigan and Georgia. This is the only policy move currently working at shifting the needle.


    The Lethal Power Imbalance – Sexual Misconduct and the Armed Teacher:

    The people who wish to arm teachers clearly ignore the reality of the creepy male teacher being armed. Handing a gun to school staff doesn’t just create a “shield,” it creates a lethal power imbalance in a demographic that already proves a documented risk.

    Statistics consistently show that school staff and educators are responsible for high rates of physical and sexual misconduct against minors. So if we go and hand them a firearm, are we not potentially arming predators? This essentially hands children over to the armed predator to have an even easier access point.

    Congratulations!! Under this proposal the students who were already vulnerable to sexual abuse at school now face an authority figure who is not only a gatekeeper to their education but is also equipped with lethal force. This makes reporting abuse or resisting a predator nearly impossible.

    To further expand black and brown students, who already face disproportionate force and perceived-threat bias from staff, an armed protector is just another source of violence. Hardening a school doesn’t fix a predator; it just makes them more dangerous.


    Schools As Security Theaters Our Aftermath of The Columbine Legacy:

    Columbine (1999) birthed the multi-billion dollar “security theater” industry. We’ve spent decades on bulletproof glass, back-pack bullet shields, metal detectors, clear backpacks, and more. Still, the shooting rate has quadrupled.

    Hardening a building doesn’t work against a shooter that’s an “insider.” If the student already has the code and knows which doors don’t latch how do these things work? The short answer is they don’t. If the student knows the code and the lockdown spot because they sat through the same drill, the theater isn’t just useless… it becomes a roadmap for the shooter.

    94% of shooters share their intent beforehand through “leakage.” Mandatory peer learning classes that teach students to “spy” on one another often backfire, creating suspicion rather than support.

    The real solution is Behavioral Threat Assessment, identifying the “isolated loner” who is actually a threat and providing intervention before the plan turns into action. It another means of treating suicidality as the emergency. This phenomenon affects nearly 100% of university shooters. These shootings are typically driven by a final act of self-destruction.


    Reclaiming Our Freedom:

    To be truly free is to be able to learn without being afraid there’s a target on your back. The data in 2026 shows that the only path forward is Accountability.

    We must hold gun owning parents and other family members strictly liable for their weapons. While we aim at treatment for students who are self-isolating and fall under other risky-demographics as an emergency.

    I hope you took a moment today to honor Kent State. The way we continue to honor the victims of these senseless acts is to stop treating our schools and universities like war zones; we need to start treating them like the learning institutions and communities they actually are.

    We have the statistics and the data from the last 56-years.

    We just need the guts to act on them.


    TLDR:

    The “Security Theater” our learning institutions have become has failed and is still failing to stop the growth of school shootings since 1970. Arming staff introduces the risk of errors and creates a lethal power imbalance for students already vulnerable to sexual abuse and unfair bias.

    The only evidence-based solutions in 2026 are holding parents criminally liable for unsecured weapons and utilizing Behavioral Threat Assessments to identify “leakagebefore a student reaches the moment they place their finger on the trigger.