Best For:
Transgender man & non-binary individual individuals interested in starting hormone replacement therapy, readers who enjoy non- fiction creative writing, lgbtq+ advocates, & individuals who are on the fence when it comes to the understanding transgender people’s lived experience.
The Vault:
- Returning to hormone replacement therapy after several years off HRT or inconsistent use & discovering just how much the body remembers, even when the mind forgets.
- The unexpected realities of restarting testosterone, including intense itching, increased hunger, muscle changes, heightened sensitivity, & shifting body odor.
- A firsthand look at the emotional side of hormone therapy, from mood swings & frustration to reconnecting with a familiar version of oneself.
- The difference between remembering major transition milestones & experiencing the day-to-day physical changes all over again.
- Honest reflections on the awkward, uncomfortable, & often humorous moments that come with hormone replacement therapy.
- A personal account intended to serve as both a resource for others navigating testosterone therapy & a piece of creative nonfiction rooted in lived experience.
Wish in One Hand:
And I’ll save you the rest of the cliche, it basically just means don’t wish for something just make it happen. My mom used to use this euphemism all the time.
I am restarting hormone therapy after what I can’t believe has been a few years of me being on and off hormones. I must say this experience feels similar to meeting an old, albeit somewhat chaotic (if only at first) friend.
You know the vibe and the history, but you definitely forgot somethings that would predict how intense the reunion would be, and this big feelings reaction is why I wish I would have remembered at least one of these things about being on testosterone.
I wrote this journal entry in the experience and realization directly after it hit. This all aligned with my fifth consistent needle stick back on hormone replacement therapy. I chose to write this journal publicly for anyone else as a resource incase they to end up living in the experience, as well as those readers who just like creative writing that exists inside lived truth.
Let’s figure out where that itch is, where my hunger grows, and where my emotional stability went out the window, for a moment or two.
The Itch Never Quits:
I genuinely forgot about the itchiness. It’s not just a fleeing annoyance; it is an all-encompassing, deep-down itch. Sometimes when I’m sweating on a hike and shirtless it feels like a bug on my skin or while doing yard work it resembles grass stuck to the sweat on my back; the only difference is the itch doesn’t seem to be beat by anything.
No matter how much I scratch, the feeling stays. It’s that early-stage transition rite of passage where your skin chemistry decides to wage a localized war against itself. It’s persistent, it’s annoying, and it makes you want to crawl out of your own skin, if only just to get one moment of relief.
You spend half your time trying to figure out if it’s dry skin, a reaction, or just the sheer speed at which your body is rearranging the furniture. Every time I think I’ve got it managed, it comes back with a vengeance in the middle of the night or day. Pro tip: keep the moisturizer handy, because honestly, my sanity currently depends on it.
The Bottomless Pit of Hunger:
I remembered being hungry, but I forgot the urgency of it. This is not your average”I could eat a snack” hungry; it is closer to “I need to consume every caloric entity in this house within the next five minutes” hungry.
It almost feels primal. I am always craving meat and carbs anymore, at least it seems that way.
I wonder like my metabolism woke up from a long nap and realized it had a massive project to complete by tomorrow morning. It feels as if it’s been asleep since around the time I stopped being more consistent with my shot.
My fridge is now a revolving door, and I am officially a danger to any kitchen pantry I encounter. I’ll sit down to a full meal, finish it, and find myself staring into the freezer ten minutes later wondering where the rest of the sustenance is.
It’s not just about wanting food; it’s a constant, background hum of needing fuel that makes me feel like I’m running a marathon while sitting on the couch.
The Muscle Awakening:
One morning, I just… had muscles again. It’s wild. You go through years of feeling like you’re carrying a light, unresponsive frame, and then suddenly, there’s definition where there used to be nothing but soft edges or bone. Muscles I didn’t even remember were dormant decided to clock back in for work.
It’s like waking up in a body that’s been upgraded while I wasn’t looking, and honestly? It’s pretty cool, even if the “growing pains” of sudden muscle density are a real thing. There’s a tightness in my shoulders and a new weight to my movements that feels foreign but right.
I’m catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and having to do a double-take at the silhouette staring back once again. I missed the me on vitamin T.
The Mood Whiplash:
This is the one I really wasn’t prepared to face again; I feel like I may have even overlooked their existence. I wish I would have remembered at least them being a problem at all, but at least now I can be prepared to deal with them moving forward.
The mood swings hit with a level of intensity that made me want to apologize to everyone in my vicinity. It’s was a bit messy. It honestly felt too much like every emotion was happening all at once in my brain forming a chaotic emotional landscape.
One minute I felt fine, and the next, the smallest thing had me feeling like a vibrating box of frustration and inexplicable sensitivity.
I caught myself thinking about how many of the people in my life now didn’t even know me eleven years ago; they have no context for this version of me. I wish I could have handed them a manual, or at least a warning label, so they’d have a small warning at least.
It’s a strange, lonely feeling, having to re-learn how to navigate my own emotions all over again. I’m just hoping everyone else can keep up and spare a little grace.
The Sensitivity Shift:
Let’s be real: bottom growth is a major milestone, but it also comes with a learning curve that is decidedly uncomfortable. When your body starts changing in such a sensitive area, the simple act of just wearing underwear becomes a tactical operation.
The friction is real, the sensitivity is off the charts. Yikes seems to be the only appropriate way to describe the experience of walking around while your body is actively reconfiguring itself.
It’s an awkward, persistent form of “hello” from my own biology. I never realize how much I took for granted the lack of friction in my daily life until every single movement reminded me that things are growing, shifting, and changing.
I’m learning to adapt again, but man, these first few weeks are a serious exercise in trial and error regarding fabric choices and sitting positions.
Scent the Bonus Forgotten Change:
I also definitely forget how much my body odor changed. It’s a complete one-hundred- eighty degree shift. I mean a completely different profile that caught me off guard within the first week of being back on hormone replacement therapy.
I remembered it a moment too late; it is a distinct change, and it’s a massive signifier of what’s happening internally. I never thought I’d be happy to say I was stinky. Here we are though.
The deodorant struggle? That’s an elite-level battle. A free years back I had to ditch the brand I used to use because, apparently the new Old Spice formula is my enemy. I’ve ended up with painful chemical burns in the armpit area because my body decided they were suddenly a threat.
It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with, but it’s just another one of those weird, things that happen.
Did You Wish in One Hand:
The truth is, none of these changes are actually new to me. The sensitivity, muscle growth, or stink have all happened before. What surprised me wasn’t that they returned. The surprise was hidden in how thoroughly I had forgotten them.
I think that’s what happens when enough time passes.
We remember the big milestones, the life-changing moments, and the broad strokes of an experience, but we forget the day-to-day realities that came with getting there. We remember the destination and somehow lose track of the road that led us there.
Restarting hormone replacement therapy has felt a lot like being reunited with an old version of myself. Not because I’m becoming someone new, but because I’m reconnecting with someone I already know. The process is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and occasionally ridiculous, thought I still would do it again and again.
Underneath all of these temporary frustrations is something I didn’t expect to feel quite this strongly again: recognition.
Every strange symptom, every awkward adjustment, every forgotten side effect is also evidence that things are moving forward. My body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing, even when it chooses the most chaotic methods possible to communicate that fact.
For anyone else finding themselves on this ride, whether after a break or for the very first time, consider this your affirmation and know you’re not imagining it.
Welcome to the club.
For now, I’ll keep taking my shot, keep relearning these lessons, and keep making notes when my memory inevitably fails me again. After all, if there is one thing this second spin around the hormone rollercoaster has taught me, it’s that the ride is a lot easier when you remember where the sharp turns are.
TLDR:
Restarting testosterone felt a lot like reconnecting with an old friend I forgot was this chaotic.
The itching, hunger, muscle growth, mood swings, sensitivity, and body odor changes all came back faster and harder than I remembered.
Most of these changes aren’t new. I had simply forgotten what the early weeks actually felt like.
This second round of hormone therapy has been a reminder that the small day-to-day realities of transition are often easier to forget than the major milestones.
Despite the discomfort, every change is a sign that things are moving forward and that my body is responding exactly as expected.
Related Reads:
Masculinizing HRT Guide – USFC
T Shots Reborn – Men’s Health
Being off T – The Mirror
His Granite Skin– Short story – Nature & Identity
Leave a Reply