Best For:
Transgender individuals, gender nonconformists, human rights advocates, LGBT allied individuals, and anyone else who wishes to participate in a better future for all.
Why Medical History Isn’t Small Talk
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
“So, have you had the surgery?”
It’s usually delivered after the individual asking beats around the bush and stumbles over asking me if I mind answering a “personal” question. The “personal” question is then delivered with a tilted head and a voice that has dropped an octave. Painted as if the sheer performative “sensitivity” of the speaker makes the question any less of a violation. For many in the transgender community, and for me as a trans man, this isn’t just an awkward social hurdle; it’s an interrogation of my personhood.
It also goes without saying the question “have you had the surgery” is formed from a person who lacks general knowledge of transgender related medical care. The surgery? Which one? Positioning it like there’s only one type shows your lack of knowledge, as much as it shows your ignorance… I fear.
My scars are not a map for your curiosity; they are the private archives of my survival.
When people ask about my genitalia… people who are not my partner, my doctor, or someone I would have planned on inviting into my bed it feels nasty. I know they are not asking to “understand” me. They are asking to categorize me based on a biological blueprint that I have spent my life navigating, reclaiming, and, in many ways, protecting.
The Dehumanization of the “Biological Curiosity”
When a stranger, coworker, or a casual acquaintance asks about my body, they are effectively stripping away my identity as a man and as a human being. They are attempting to begin replacing it with a specimen. It reduces a complex human experience to a surgical checklist. And that checklist holds no weight when discussing gender identity which is not the same as one’s biological sex.
This line of questioning assumes that my validity as a man is contingent upon a specific set of medical results or that gender and sex are inherently the same. It implies that until I check a certain box, I am “incomplete” or “in-process.” This is not just insensitive; it is damaging.
When you ask about “the surgery,” you aren’t looking for the human, you’re looking for the ghost of who you think we used to be.
It reinforces the idea that trans bodies are public property, open for debate and inspection, rather than sacred, private spaces. Even worse it implies trans individuals have to have medical transitions to be valid. All of which are simply untrue and dangerous rhetorics to convey.
The Weight of the “Why”
Why is this question so traumatic? Well it carries the weight of every systemic threat trans people face. When you demand to know what is under my clothes, you are engaging in a form of soft violence. Even if you feel the way you asked used politely constructed strings of words the connotation behind the words is still equivalent.
- Breach of Consent: In any other context, asking a stranger about their genitals would be recognized as sexual harassment. Being trans does not waive my right to bodily privacy.
- Inherently Dangerous: Outing a trans person’s medical status in the wrong setting can lead to physical violence. By asking, you are forcing me to weigh my safety against your curiosity and expecting me to trust you at the same time you’re proving you’re not a place of safety for me.
- Triggers Dysphoria: For many, the road to bodily autonomy is paved with significant emotional and physical pain. Forcing someone to dwell on parts of themselves they may struggle with is cruel. As is announcing to them you were and have already been thinking about the private parts they have.
- Erases Personal Agency: My transition is a private piece of poetry. I am writing for myself, not a promo flyer for public consumption.
Let’s Talk it Over
Why do you think, as humans, we typically act as though we are entitled to whatever it is we seek?
What is your experience with being asked private questions by people who are just curious?
Why is it so hard to see the danger behind this line of questioning and others like it?
Feel free to share your thoughts and hot takes in the comments. I’m excited to see what everyone has to add. Transgender, non binary, and cisgender individuals are all welcome to provide feedback.
The Boundary of Intimacy
There is a massive distinction between curiosity and entitlement. If we are not in a position where our bodies are going to interact, your need to know about my “plumbing” is irrelevant. True allyship doesn’t look like a clinical audit; it looks like respecting the boundaries I’ve set around my own skin.
I am like my poetry a self-published soul; I don’t owe anyone a free preview of my most private chapters.
My body is not a “Transgender 101” deep dive for your casual education. It is my home. And just like any home, I choose who gets to see the floor plan. No transgender individual is required to be your walking encyclopedia on all things gender nonconforming. If you want to be an ally or advocate it should start inside and with self education not imposed curiosity as a floor plan for support.
In Other Words
The next time you feel the urge to ask a trans person about their surgery or their anatomy, ask yourself: What will I do with this information? If the answer is anything other than “provide medical care” or “engage in a consensual intimate act,” keep the question to yourself. My manhood is not found in a hospital wing or a surgical recovery room. My gender identity is found in my words, my art, and the life I lead out in the open.
Before You Leave
Consider sharing this with anyone you think has a lesson to learn about asking private questions. Or even other transgender or gender nonconforming persons so they can use it as a resource to send those who ask them lines of questions they aren’t entitled to be asking.
