The Midnight Carousel:
Best For:
Survivors with Mental Health Symptoms, cat parents, open–minded readers, emotional journal readers, and people who like creative political opinion pieces.
What keeps me up when I should be sleeping? Explain.
A prompt for Emotional journaling from Poeaxtry’s personal stash .
Did You Notice?
The sunlight never fails at finding ways through our blackout curtains. I always notice it after working oversight; A beam of sunshine in both my eyes, while sun beams dance off your bedroom walls. and then of course your multiple cats share one mission: WW3: Kitty Kickboxers.
Queue my Racing Thoughts-
This Vibe This Afternoon:
It’s 12PM, yes in the afternoon. A few hours ago my mind was in frantic mode. The overlapping slideshow of my end-times and thoughts about war, AI polluted waterways, nuclear war the fallout it will cause, and geopolitical collapse kept me up again.
My head hit my pillow, Luna just got settled under my blanket with me, and Kelsey was snoring already. I closed my eyes to prepare myself for a sleep that didn’t come. My drifting subconscious in between awake and asleep doomscrolling war and gore like the current TikTok For You Page.
I was barely awake. Until, my brain brought me thoughts involving the fragile safety of many minority communities, and the existential dread of why people even own decorative towels. I kept myself awake just long enough to journal and write down thoughts.
I was asleep almost instantly. A whole three hours, let’s throw a parade for me. The cats were doing that Call of Duty: Cats with Gats thing on my mid-back, again. This is the nightly ritual of a brain that doesn’t understand the “off” switch. Don’t forget that it also comes with chunky cats, and a cocktail of ADHD, BPD, chronic worry, with a desperate need to make sense of things.
The Overthinking Insomniac’s Out of Order Overview:
- The ethics of resource extraction vs. geopolitical distraction, nuclear war & fallout, the Distraction from as well as implications of the Epstein files, and Ai polluted waterways.
- The looming threat to trans rights and gender marker security and fear of erasure physically or by definition.
- The sheer, confusing reality of why people spend money on decorative towels, The Toilet Paper Debate and what way it really goes, and energy tax we pay to explore
- The existential dread of a potential third-term political agenda,
Insomnia, Creative Excitement
Let’s Explore the Things that Entice me-
To Stay Awake Typically:
This reflection journal explores the heavy toll of backwards sleep patterns mid–morning processing full of the sun’s rays. A look at the anxiety of systemic erasure to the absurdity of daily life. Also I want to unpack why, despite the exhaustion, I wouldn’t trade this hyper-awareness for the world.
The Weight of a Broken World:
It’s difficult to drift off when the news feels like a physical weight on my chest. I find myself cycling through the faces of those suffering in Gaza, Sudan, Haiti, and Iran, and others of course. Which is followed closely by the hollow ache of knowing citizens and service members are being funneled into conflicts that serve nothing but corporate greed and political distraction.
The sounds of the day when sleeping after another third-shift doesn’t bring peace; they bring the roar of a world in crisis that I haven’t found a fix to for and a whole shift worth of work to unwind from.
Fear of Erasure-
Physically & by Definition.
Then there is the persistent fear of state-sanctioned erasure. Knowing my identity as a transgender man could be legislatively undermined overnight. Which sounds to me like basically my very existence could be invalidated by a autopen. As you can imagine this makes sleep feel like a luxury I haven’t earned just yet.
JE Files and the Distraction Cycle
The DOJ Files surrounding Jeffrey Epstein remain a source of late-night agitation for me, and what I hope is a large amount of the World’s population. Mostly because it feels like a labyrinth of manufactured chaos.
It is clear that while much is alleged, the volume of consistent, distinct testimonies from disparate people makes the core of the corruption feel undeniably real. What keeps me pacing the floor is the suspicion that a major foreign attack by US troops may be a ploy. Political theatrics are often deployed as tactical distractions to divert public eyes from these systemic revelations.
It is a calculated move to exhaust our collective outrage on shifting targets while the real perpetrators remain shielded by the very noise designed to confuse us.
Should Be Noted That:
It also should be noted that the manner in which the Jeffrey Epstein files were released was an act of psychological warfare on the citizens of this country and foreign countries who were involved in the deep-diving of these pedophile files.
Another thing that should be noted is this is the same reason why when you’re in jury duty or if you were a lawyer when you access the evidence they take out anything unrelated to your motion of discovery.
The DOJ said ohhhh you want to see the Files? Hold my beer, I’ll give you so many files you won’t know what to do. Furthermore, they would also remove any of the confusing things, not related subscription emails, and mundane things as to not burnout the person pillaging through all of it.
The Anatomy of a Nuclear Detonation
A nuclear explosion is defined by three primary hazards, each acting on different timescales:
- • Thermal Radiation (Heat): At the moment of detonation, a fireballs forms, radiating immense heat at the speed of light. This thermal pulse can ignite fires, melt materials, and cause severe skin burns many miles from ground zero.
- Blast Wave: The explosion creates a supersonic shockwave that levels buildings, collapses infrastructure, and generates high-velocity debris, which is responsible for a significant portion of immediate injuries and fatalities.
- Ionizing Radiation: An umbrella category for the invisible energy released during the explosion that strips electrons from atoms, causing direct cellular and molecular damage to living tissue over time.
- Initial Radiation: A brief, intense burst of gamma rays and neutrons released within the first second of the detonation, causing direct biological damage to those near the blast.
- Residual Radiation (Fallout): Radioactive material created by the fission process mixes with dirt and debris pulled into the atmosphere by the fireball.
Understanding Nuclear Fallout
Fallout is the radioactive dust and ash that falls back to Earth after a nuclear detonation. It is particularly lethal because it is invisible, has no taste or smell, and can travel hundreds of miles depending on wind currents.
- Short-Term Danger: Fallout is most dangerous in the first 24 hours. The particles are highly radioactive, and exposure can lead to Acute Radiation Syndrome (ARS), characterized by nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and damage to bone marrow and the gastrointestinal tract.
- Internal and External Exposure: External exposure occurs when radioactive material settles on skin or clothing. Internal exposure occurs through inhalation or ingestion of contaminated food and water supplies.
- Environmental Persistence: Radioactive isotopes, such as Cesium-137 and Strontium-90, can persist in the environment for years, contaminating soil and entering the food chain.
Long-Term Radiological and Societal Impacts
Beyond the immediate carnage, nuclear warfare triggers secondary effects that can threaten civilization globally:
- Cancer and Genetic Risks: Exposure to ionizing radiation increases the risk of developing leukemia, thyroid cancer, and solid tumors years or even decades later. Radiation can directly damage cellular DNA, leading to mutations.
- Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP): High-altitude detonations can generate an EMP, which induces massive voltage surges in power grids and telecommunications, effectively disabling electronic infrastructure across vast areas.
- Nuclear Winter and Famine: A large-scale exchange would loft millions of tons of soot into the upper atmosphere. This debris would block sunlight, dropping global temperatures by several degrees for years, disrupting agriculture, and potentially leading to global famine.
Understanding these mechanisms underscores why the focus remains heavily on prevention, as the medical, economic, and societal infrastructure of even a modern nation would be fundamentally overwhelmed by the cascading effects of a nuclear event.
The ADHD Paradox: Fear Meets Curiosity
My mind doesn’t just stick to the heavy shit. It’s a rapid-fire search engine. One moment, I’m mourning human rights at ICE detention centers. We see violation after violation coming out of them, and no one does very much.
Up next, I’m spiraling into the deep, philosophical mystery of whether reincarnation is real. Just for the record, I’d like to come back as a dog. If you know where I can put my request in. Only stipulation is I must have a loving and responsible owner.
The Grip of Insomnia
Insomnia isn’t just an inability to fall asleep; for me, it is a sometimes nightly battle. Against the information commercials, racing thoughts, and a consciousness that refuses to power down. It is the physical sensation of being exhausted while my brain remains wired for combat.
When the house is quiet and the darkness is total, the lack of external input can sometimes grant my mind permission to amplify every thought or worry, every unanswered email, and every societal injustice I’ve processed during the day. It turns the bedroom into an interrogation room where the judge and the jury are both my own racing, unrelenting thoughts.
My brain treats every passing thought as an urgent bulletin that requires immediate, exhaustive attention. I can’t let one drift by without at least writing it down. I just know I will never think of it again.
The Toilet Paper Debate & Existential Order-
Now You Tell Me:
In the dead of noon, waking up to go to the bathroom will get me to think on the trivial debate over which way the toilet paper belongs on the roll.
Is it over? Or do you think it’s under? Or are you like me someone who doesn’t know, isn’t bothered by either or, but has to know now which one is right.
Who knew toilet paper could take on such a bizarre, philosophical weight?
Let me know in the comment what you say is the right way for toilet paper– OVER or UNDER– or wild card on top of the holder not on the roll for real.
First World Country Problems?
It is the ultimate mundane struggle to impose order on a world that feels completely out of control. If I can’t fix the geopolitical landscape or stop the erosion of human rights, I can at least obsess over the “correct” way to handle the smallest domestic details. It’s an absurd grounding mechanism; if I can justify the logic behind the roll orientation, maybe I can find a shred of logical consistency in the rest of the chaos that plagues my thoughts.
The Stimulation of Creative Excitement
Beyond the worry, there is the undeniable, electric surge of excitement over upcoming projects that keep me wide awake. Whether it’s an idea for a new poem, a strategy for a Poaextry collab, or a concept for a zine, my passion acts as an involuntary wakefulness drug.
When I’m genuinely looking forward to something I’m building, my brain treats it as an urgent, immediate priority that cannot wait for morning. I often find myself staying up simply because the creative potential of tomorrow feels more compelling than the physical necessity of sleep any day .
Chores, Commerce, and the Infinite To-Do List
There’s a specific kind of panic that sets in when you’re trying to balance a full-time job, the creative demands of Poeaxtry, and the logistics of a grassroots publishing house. My brain treats these tasks like a high-stakes heist, planning out the “perfect” workflow while my body begs for horizontal stillness.
Sometimes the racing thoughts are just excitement from a new project, a poem, plans to explore somewhere new in nature bit more often, they are the echoes of chores left undone and the fear that if I stop moving, the momentum of my creative life will vanish.
The Absurdity of Decorative Towels
In the quiet, heavy hours of the morning light, my mind often fixates on the most puzzling relics of domestic life: decorative towels. I find myself lying in bed, genuinely trying to reconcile the existence of a towel that is explicitly labeled as “not for use.”
Functional Use? You can look at it?
It makes me wonder who actually buys these things and what kind of mindset dictates that a functional object, meant to dry, clean, and absorb should be stripped of its purpose and turned into a display piece.
It feels like the ultimate metaphor for a society that values the aesthetic of comfort over comfort itself, or worse, one that prioritizes a polished, perfect appearance while leaving the actual work of living undone.
Why are we so obsessed with curating spaces that look like they haven’t been touched? When the reality of human existence is messy, fluid, and meant to be experienced? Every time I stare at the ceiling, the existence of these towels reminds me that we spend an awful lot of time performing “order.” Meanwhile, the rest of our world remains in total, unaddressed chaos.
The Cost of Exploration
Planning my next hiking or rockhounding trip is supposed to be a grounding exercise, but it usually ends up being the reason I forfeit my sleep. When I get into the weeds of mapping out new terrain, scouting locations, and envisioning the expedition, my brain switches into high-gear execution mode.
The excitement of actually doing the work. You begin by finding the trail, choosing the path, preparing the gear, and planning your drive. Don’t forget snack, protein, and lots of water!
Planning and actually taking the trip are both a potent stimulants that keep me awake long after I would have been asleep.
Should have, Could have, would have…. so I shall let my mind settle. I am constantly caught between the need for restorative rest and the hunger to be out in the wild, often choosing the latter even when my body is begging for the former.
Reclaiming Our Quiet
We aren’t meant to carry the weight of a dying world on our own. Still yet here we are, awake at odd hours, trying to piece it all together. Whether you are an avid- indie enthusiast, a fellow traveler in the land of insomnia, or someone just looking to feel less alone in their anxiety, you belong in this space
While I may never fully quiet the carousel, I am learning that acknowledging these anxieties is a form of resistance. The next time you find yourself staring at the ceiling, wondering about global politics or the mystery of bathroom decor, remember that you are part of a massive, shared consciousness!
We are all processing the madness together, one sleepless night at a time.
Internal Links
Creativity, time, and leisure – connection
Personally & Creatively – embody change
Why hiking isn’t escapism– reach my soul
The small joy cannabis brings– daily ritual
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