Shark Week
It’s strangely funny how you can forget you’re trans. Suddenly, your body reminds you like a blaring, blood-soaked alarm clock. I missed my shot this week. Life got busy, I got distracted, and my calendar reminder decided to be a useless little ghost. Well to be honest the reminder I probably ignored. Per Axton usual. So now I’m sitting in a puddle of regret and crimson at 11:00 in the morning. As if I don’t work a night shift again. Ew. I took care of the mess before I started this blog post I’m not that deranged.
Last night I had to leave work early. Lunch break turned into a chaotic pilgrimage to Walmart. A 22-minute drive one way, shopping time not included. You know how wild it is to shop for “feminine hygiene” when you’re ten years into hormones? Obviously they all think they are for a lady. It’s not embarrassingly obvious they are mine or anything . It’s just surreal. Like borrowing a body that doesn’t know it’s retired from this kind of work.
Always Sneaky
I’m never prepared. You’d think I would be. But that’s the weirdest, most tender part of all this… sometimes I actually forget I’m trans. I forget that my body has shadow memories. I forget that skipping a shot can wake up something ancient and bleeding inside me. It’s almost peaceful, until it isn’t.
So here I am. Slept maybe three hours. Woke up drenched. Could double as a crime scene. It’s not. It’s just my boxers and a pair of shorts I really liked..
And I could scream, or laugh, or write about it. Today I choose to write.
Because this too is part of the joy, the horror, the mess, the miracle. The full, absurd ride of being me.
But by far the least funny part is the way I swear the cramps hurt more now. As if the goddess herself is reminding me where I came from.
Trigger Warning
TW: for those late to the party. This post mentions menstruation, dysphoria, and hormone disruption. It’s listed clearly. My posts are raw and unfiltered. Also, I have a large list of potential TWs posted. I may just pop into them at any given time (also noted). I don’t reiterate them for every single post. Neither of us want that. I put a decent amount of time into listing every and any trigger I could potentially cover. And I phoned a friend for help.. thank you KYYYYY REEEEEEAAAA!!! But if you need a tw every time for every trigger I have some news for you about life offline…. You might not be ready for this side of the internet if you need a trigger warning. This is about the reality of a transmasc body that sometimes bleeds. But let me be clear I in no way aim to offend, or trigger anyone intentionally. This is just where I’m me without (repeated) warnings. ‼
Whisper to the void it might whisper back