Truth
Some truths do not come wrapped in lessons or soft landings. The ugliest truth I have had to grow from is not about heart break. It is at least not how you would expect it to be. It was not a breakup or a solo betrayal. I learned repeatedly that the people you let closest can hurt you the most. Oftentimes, the knives hide behind hugs.
Relationships
I was with this one woman for ten years, a lot of high school and young adulthood. We took a break for a few weeks, and she was married to my “best friend.” Neither of them said a word till’ it was done. Not a warning, or a check-in. Just a wedding announcement with my past all dressed up and pretty in my best man’s arm. Like we hadn’t meant a thing, like I had not trusted her with the worst parts of the last decade… and she the same with me.
Maybe that’s what made it worse at the time. It wasn’t just about the girl that hurt me. I mean the man was my best friend. The two I thought were going to be my family forever. Turns out they both can forget I even exist in less than two months.
Then comes in the parade of women who loved the idea of me but never the weight of me. They wanted poetry not presence. They saw me as a soft place to land not a person with his own storms. I would show up, pour in, give them real and all I got in return were lame excuses. Vibes without effort. Promises with no follow through.
At one point (well actually many points) I made myself believe I was too much. I now know was asking for bare minimum. Match my energy. Mean what you say. Show up like I do.
What Breaks me
What breaks me the most isn’t even them. It is the repeated chances I have given most people before and after them. The ugliest truth is that I used to trust too quickly. Believed too deeply. Gave way too much, much too soon. I just did not want to live like the world was full of liars. But the fact simply is some people are. Some people see your heart as something to step around. Some will touch your wounds with dirty fingers. Some will allow you to carry them until you fold under the weight of them.
And when I finally broke, I rebuilt smaller, and tighter. With iron clad boundaries I hold like barb wire. That’s what growth looked like: not forgiveness and not grace. Just knowing better and loving harder from further away.
Growth
I grew from this experience. Not everyone who reaches for you deserves a seat at your table. And trust should never be given before it is actually earned.
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