It’s been almost four years since my mom died
Four years this November as always 8 days before my birthday.
And Wednesday
I finally got to see her dog again.
The last living pet my mom had left.
The last heartbeat in this world that still carried her by choice and not birth.
The only one who remembered both of us and my sisters.
The only one left who still held my mom’s scent, her rhythm, her quiet love. The reason it was so easy to decide to bring mom home. Jewel. She was my sibling too.
I hadn’t seen her since the day we lost my mom
Not once. She stole mom’s favorite blanket and my mom’s husband stole my ability to see her basically in unity.
Because a man that knew the dog 3 years and was married to my mom the same wouldn’t let me come around. As if he loved them all the entire time I did.
And after he died
My sister took her thankfully.
Sadly her pos excuse for a ex boyfriend wouldn’t let me come around
He was abusing my sister. It’s no secret. The public charges aired that out.
So everything in her world became locked down, closed off, unreachable by his choice
I was shut out
While the last piece of my mom grew older and slower without me
While I sat in that absence
Hurting
Helpless
Then earlier this week I hear she’s sick, and by Wednesday my sister is putting her down. It felt like the next time I turned around. So I went and saw her, my sister was able to secure the vet the next day to by us time.
One final time and we know that isn’t ever really enough time to say good bye.
I gave her a big meal from Wendy’s, nuggets, burgers, and ice cream.
I told her she was good
I told her I loved her
I held her. I told her she got to see mom first and I was jealous. I told her about all the pets before her and family she’d get too great. I couldn’t stop telling her that mom would be there soon.
I know she knew that we were up to something.
Then today
My sister took her to the vet
She was put to sleep
And cremated
And now she’s gone too.
This is grief that burns
Grief that screams
Grief that doesn’t just cry over what happened
But over everything that didn’t
Everything I never got to do
All the years I could have been beside her
All the comfort we could have shared in missing the same person
The same lap
The same voice
I didn’t just lose her
I was kept from her
And then I lost her anyway.
She didn’t just die
She was taken from me long before today
And then taken again.
I’m so fucking tired of things being stolen from me.
She was more than a dog
She was the last piece of my mother I could touch that Isn’t a human.
The last one who knew the way home used to smell.
The last little soul who got to grieve my mom with me finally returning to her. But I wasn’t ready.
Rest easy, sweet girl
I hope you’re curled up with her again.
I hope you both know I never stopped loving either of you
Tell her I’m still here
Still hurting
Still trying
Still loving
I am little lighter knowing mom has jewel. I know she has been watching and waiting for her jewely whoolie to come home across the rainbow bridge the last of her fur kids,
